Hollywood has its Walk of Fame and Ohio State has the Walk of Shame. In Tinseltown, the Walk is a noun: Stars' cemented signatures and shoeprints line the renowned sidewalk. At OSU, the Walk is a verb: The act of post-party slinking home in glaring daylight while wearing all or part of one's last-night attire.
This might or might not be the result of a hook-up. Only the rich and famous Hall of Famers get stars on Hollywood Boulevard, but I think it's about time someone recognized the not-so-rich and not-at-all famous Walk of Shamers. While I can't immortalize these Walkers in pink and gray terrazzo blocks, I can declare the First Annual Walk of Shame Awards.
If you have to do the Walk you should do it in style, so the first award category is Best Dressed. This honor is listed in order from least to most obvious Walker, with progressively worsening humiliation.
No.10: The guy walking down Indianola with an undone tie slung around his neck and a rumpled Oxford over boxer shorts. No. 9: Girl spotted leaving the Holiday Inn bra in hand with her shirt on inside out and backwards. No. 8: After a date party: girl in sparkly evening gown. No. 7: On Oct. 31st, dishelved girl in '80s Barbie Doll Halloween costume. No. 6: Nowhere near Halloween: Man in flowered bedsheet Toga. No. 5: The morning after jumping into Mirror Lake: girl in muddy bikini. No. 4: On High Street: Shirtless guy in a grass skirt No. 3: Seen sneaking out of sorority house on parent's weekend: Destroyed Denim boy whose underwear was clearly MIA. Also voted most likely to receive the comment, "How's it hanging?" from random passersby. No. 2: In Morrill Tower elevator: girl sporting a teeny-tiny mini-skirt and backless shirt, complete with a smeared mascara-lipstick combo. No. 1: Stiletto-wearing girl skulking down Summit Street in vintage lingerie costume.
The second round of awards is Worst Morning After. This is a five-star system based on extent of painful emotion experienced. Zero stars go to The Guy with No Shame. He said, and I do quote, "I take pride in sending girls on the Walk of Shame. You could be next. What are you doing tonight?" and, "Walk of Shame? Walk of Shame? It's the Walk of Pride, baby!" Two and a half stars go to The Shamed Girl. She said, "I didn't feel bad until I saw my landlord on the porch, and when scrounging to get my keys pulled my lacy thong from my purse!" Five stars to The Ashamed Girl. "I felt so guilty, I didn't even want to remember what I did. Then I saw my priest." Ouch.
The final class of recognition is Best Supporting Walker. Negative stars to the See-ya-around-er. This host hustles the walker out as soon as possible, fully exposing them to leering looks from truckers and construction crews. Five stars go to the Walker-wither, who acts as a human shield against pitying stares from early-service churchgoers and doubles as a crutch if your walk is more of a hungover stagger. Also receiving Five stars is the Dropper-offer, who drives the guest home, thereby reducing the Walk to a few feet from door to car.
Honorable Mentions to all Walk of Shamers who survived the experience, but didn't get an award. Keep trying. Maybe you'll get it next year!
Rebecca Miller is a senior in psychology. She can be reached for comment at miller.2791@osu.edu.
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