Breakup lines from hell

Picture a gorgeous, even magical, spring day: Love and lilacs all around, blossoms blooming, birds chirping overhead. Smiling into each other's gaze, a seemingly twitterpated couple glides past, holding hands as they appear to walk on air. You can see the daydream in her eyes. She is Cinderella waltzing, Sleeping Beauty waking, Jasmine on the magic carpet ride. She imagines Bambi leaping weightlessly between flower patches when BANG: "You're BREAKING UP with me?!?" His mother is shot. Relational Sudden Death. So much for the fairy-tale ending.

Whether you've been dumped, crushed, discarded, separated, deserted, forsaken, kissed goodbye, thrown overboard, ditched, cut loose, left, shipped out or stranded - it's all the same - breaking up is hard to do. In the world of relationships, estrangement is no-man's land; it even has its own doublespeak dialect. There is a massive communication canyon between what is said and what is meant. Please consider the following almost serious translations of standard lines exes-to-be use to give you the ax.

"It's not you, it's me" (Nope, it's just you...and your smelly feet). "I want to be friends" (I'd like to keep you around in case the new person I'm seeing doesn't work out). "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" (My psychiatrist keeps telling me I'm confused). "You're like a brother/sister to me" (Now that I'm sober, I am totally repulsed by kissing you). "I need space" (I am tired of you stalking me. Please stop driving past my house with your headlights off and blowing up my phone with 'Where are you' voice-mails). "I need time" (I lost a lot of hours listening to you whine). "I don't know where I'll be in six months" (I definitely won't be with you in six months). "I'm moving" (Down the street). "I hope you find what you're looking for" (I hope a bus hits you). "We're just not on the same page" (You're reading a different book). "I need to find myself" (Would you please get lost?). "I'm not ready to settle down" (I don't want you to be the mother/father of my children!). "We're in different places in our lives" (I am feeling intense urges to flee the country). "We're not compatible" (Your snoring is atrocious. I haven't slept in three months). "We want different things" (You want me, I want your sister). "I wish you the best" (I want ravens to pick out your eyes). "I'm emotionally unavailable" (I'm still in love with my ex). My personal favorite is, "I hope you two will be very happy together" (I hope the fleas of 1,000 camels infest your bed sheets).

Let-down lines impersonate caring, but blatant lies are meant to butcher feelings. Ponder these quality love extinguishers : "I just remembered I'm married." "I'm having a sex change." "I think I'm allergic to you." "I've decided to become a nun." "Next season I'll be playing for the other team," and the ever-popular, "I'm dying."

However, the most amusing excuses involve a higher power: namely, God. It's hard to argue with being dumped for The Big Guy. These include, but are in no way limited to: "I'm going to explore celibacy." "You aren't minister's wife material." "I need to concentrate on my relationship with the Lord," and "I have to go to church." Looking at the bright side of the equation, if you are getting kicked to the curb at least it's for the Infinite Almighty. The next time your romantic reverie is shattered by a break-up bullet, spare yourself the spam and say, "I get it. You're just not that into me."

Rebecca Miller is a senior in psychology. She can be reached for comment at miller.2791@osu.edu.