The rules of cell phones

In April 2003, a Texas Rangers' fan struck right-fielder Carl Everett in the head when he heaved a cell phone at him from several decks above the field. The man faced charges including assault with a deadly weapon. Later that year, a Massachusetts man was charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon when he stabbed a fellow moviegoer who asked him to quiet his ringing cell phone.

Pull over road rage. The phone rage has begun.

These two cases are extreme versions of physical phone assault, but otherwise normal people often act like criminals when using their cell phones. Laws about cell phone use are sporadic, but none of them protect us from these phone felons:

The Phone Terrorist: one who uses the cell phone as a weapon of mass destruction to annihilate public peace. Whether sabotaging symphonies with deafening dialogue or maiming movies with boisterous banter, he nullifies normalcy with his nonstop, novelty ring tones.

The Phone Bandit: one who swipes serenity and kidnaps calmness, especially in the workplace. This character will often pull a lock-and-leave: locking a loaded Nextel in a desk drawer and leaving it to ring incessant alerts for the next eight hours. His antics turn confused co-workers into voice-mail victims.

The Phone Gangster: one who bludgeons innocent bystanders with his vernacular. He is most likely to punish anyone within hearing distance with cursing, shouting and general bullying behavior.

Please, if you are one of these phone fugitives, turn yourself in.

We can't all be phone criminals, but who among us is not guilty of other phone-pas? Drama queens flaunt their diva-ness by crying into sparkly handsets and purpose-driven businessmen mindlessly elbow through crowds. Lonely talkers - who without their minute earpiece would be labeled crazy - puzzle passersby with wild gestures and animated talk, and loud talkers incite mass quantities of ear plugging. Most disturbing, though, is ordinarily orderly people - the kind who wouldn't dream of using rude table manners - who lack basic cell phone etiquette (myself included).

To practice proper phone form, it is critical to consider location. Both public places and enclosed spaces seem to be problem areas. Carol Page of Cellmanners.com offers some advice: "If you start your conversation with, 'Guess where I am,' it's a call you shouldn't be making." (I suppose that rules out both the bathtub and the shower.)

I think the reverse is also true. If you wouldn't want the person you are talking to knowing where you are calling from, you probably shouldn't be on the phone. (This guideline further includes every rest room - public or private - and your proctologist's office.) If staying at the Hilton, remember Paris' hotel havoc and turn off both your cell and the video camera.

Invasion of personal space is another situational issue. Having a conversation you wouldn't have with a stranger six inches from their ear should probably be avoided. It is also advisable to leave your bedroom business out of the boardroom. No matter how much your work crew loves you, they don't want to hear you arguing with your significant other.

However, should you find yourself in a social-life-threatening emergency requiring private issues to be discussed in public, turn down the tone. Even though bad connections and worse relationships seem to force yelling, voice violence is not the answer. And when considering committing phone rage-inspired physical assault, let he who is without blame throw the first phone.

Rebecca Miller is a senior in psychology. She can be reached for comment at miller.2791@osu.edu.