Some people, including many of my friends, seem to think they're too good for the Ohio State Fair. Their pretentious little noses crinkle up at the thought of going and I can't understand why. Who among us couldn't use a little more fried dough or kettle corn in their diet, and where else can you see a 2,000 pound butter cow that took more than two weeks to make? The fair is an American tradition, and no matter how many trashy tattoos, NASCAR T-shirts and fanny packs I see there, I still feel at home.
When I was younger I liked to go to the fair because of the flashy games and sweet rides, but now I like to go for the super healthy food and world class entertainment. This year at the fair Rick Springfield, America, Ginuwine and REO Speedwagon will all be performing at the Celeste Center; unfortunately, it won't be at the same time.
As I passed through the turnstile at the front gate, I was greeted simultaneously by a small woman with a red sun visor who was passing out maps and the smell of hand sanitizer and roasting corn. Every year like clockwork the bathrooms are located on the left, near the entrance, and next to the kettle corn booth, which I appreciate because it's good to have a consistent location in case of an emergency, and there are bathroom emergencies at the fair.
Walking down the midway felt like a beautiful dream. Delicious smells and flavors filled the air while food vendors lined both sides of the street, as far as the eye could see. It was also easy to see why we are one of the fattest countries in the world. In addition to chicken and batter, Snickers bars and Twinkies have recently made the illustrious list of foods that can and should be fried.
I stopped for a corn dog and a 64-ounce lemonade. Sixty four ounces is about the same size as the gas tank in a Ford Festiva, and I could almost fit my face in the cup.
Unfortunately, I had already missed the boxing finals at the ShowPlace Pavilion, but I did get to see the end of the Canine Dash and Splash event out on a grassy field with make-shift bleachers. Since it was almost over I only caught the "Dash" part, which was a lot like an obstacle course for dogs. The Dash and Splash favorite was Splash, a golden retriever who came out of retirement just to compete at the fair. He was a veteran showdog with 30 titles to his name including a Masters in behavior, but he didn't look a day over three.
From there I went to see the sheep in the sheep barn. Since the sheep don't usually compete until the second week of the fair, most of them hadn't arrived yet, but there were a few of them standing around, wearing white, hooded jackets with the eyes cut out that looked like Ku Klux Klan outfits. Fortunately, it wasn't a political statement or anything, it's just something sheep wear after they've had their wool shaved off.
Next we went to see the pigs, but most of them hadn't arrived yet either. We did, however, stop at the swine gift shop where the 2006 Pork Industry Queen was answering pork-industry related questions. A crowd gathered near the pen in the corner of the room to watch a proud mother sow and her nine little piggies romp around, while a 5-year-old, 980-pound boar named The Assassin slept in a much bigger cage of his own.
Then I bought a cheese coney from Tracey's.
The petting zoo at the fair was much cooler than I expected. You could buy a Dixie cup full of carrots to feed the animals, which cost a dollar, or just use the smelly stuff from the little red machines that cost a quarter. Inside there was a Scottish Hilander, two Pygmy goats, a 130-year-old tortoise who liked lettuce with his carrots, and an alpaca that looked a lot like David Bowie.
After nearly two hours I finally finished my first lemonade. So I went to Big Jeff's and bought another one, along with some extra greasy french fries.
I plopped down at the NBC Family Fun Stage to let my lunch digest and then chased it down with a $2 bottle of water. T. Texas Terry, the comedic cowboy, was attempting to remove a flower from his mouth by using a leather whip to snap off the stem.
"Stay in school, believe in yourself and never ever, ever give up on your dreams," he said before successfully completing his death-defying stunt.
I will, I do and I won't.
My last stop of the day was at the Coca-Cola Coliseum, for the second round of the high school rodeo. I had already been there earlier in the day but all I saw were empty seats and a lot of horse poop. Thankfully, I did get to see some cowgirl barrel racing, breakaway roping and about thirty seconds of steer wrestling, but I missed the bull riding entirely.
As I headed for the exit I felt like my day had been a big success. I had exercised a little self-restraint and abstained from eating the last bit of funnel cake and nachos that my arteries craved. I love the fair. I even counted a total of 34 American flag T-shirts, 14 of them on my way to the car out in Section N of the parking lot.
Jason Turner is a senior in journalism. For comments about the fair or why it sucks you can reach him at turner.429@osu.edu.
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