Hail to real victors

It feels good - unless you're Lloyd Carr of course.

Before I head up to Ann Arbor for Saturday's big game, I figured I'd share some of my thoughts on the rivalry and just why we're so much better.

Buckeye fans are far and away better than maize-and-blue backers. Some like to touch on the number of Michigan fans that reside in the greater Columbus area, but many fail to realize the fact that most wearing the shirts are simply impoverished to the point where they can't afford to wear anything but the complimentary shirts found just behind the Kohl's here on Olentangy River Road.

Nobody here actually enjoys Michigan. Hell, half the people that show up at "The Big House" don't give a damn as evidenced by the lack of noise inside it. I guess it doesn't help when your stadium is built to let noise out instead of keeping it in.

Michigan fans have the intimidation factor of Shari Lewis (they both enjoy shoving their hands up the asses of things named "Lamb Chop" or "Hush Puppy" but that's irrelevant to the discussion).

Two years ago, Michigan came into Ohio Stadium ranked seventh only to crash and burn like a Hogan family sports car against the unranked Buckeyes. For such a highly ranked team in the biggest game of the season, you would expect a high turnout of Michigan faithful, but that's like asking Mike Hart to stay healthy for four quarters.

Buckeye fans show up in groves no matter the record or the distance. Arizona has become Columbus West, yet it's hard enough getting Michigan fans to travel across town.

We stand by our players no matter what the consequence (Maurice Clarett aside).

Not only are our fans better, so are our players.

Some of our best pros - Cris Carter, Eddie George, et al - were given the green light in college to take the reigns as soon as possible. Your best pro - Tom Brady - broke school records like they were papier maché, only to have to continually prove himself thanks to the man-crush coach Carr had on Drew Henson.

Everyone called Henson's name when it came time to take sides, but lucky for you, reason won out.

Not only did Henson suck at football, he sucked at baseball too. He's like the bizarro Bo Jackson.

Only idiots like 1994 Michigan captain Walter Smith could beat John Cooper year-after-year like a 6th-and-High hooker, then make it a goal to get him fired (funny how things worked out once he did).

Michigan's like the kid in class who tells the teacher she forgot to assign homework. Everything's fine and dandy for everyone else, then the kid lacking all social skills steps in asking for assignments because the textbook is likely his only friend.

I guess academics are of high standard considering only bright minds like Ann Coulter and Steve Phillips - worst general manager in baseball history - get admitted.

For every Joey Galloway, Terry Glenn or Carter we send to the NFL, there's a Tai Streets, David Terrell or Desmond Howard trading in the maize-and-blue for whatever scout team jersey is up for grabs in the gutter of the NFL.

The war even carries over to ESPN's First Take where OSU hears praise from fan boy and Bowling Green grad Mr. Jay Crawford, whereas Michigan is continually glorified by Mr. Dana Jacobsen.

Oftentimes, many Wolverines harken back to the 300-yard performance of Tim Biakabutuka in 1995, which is fine and dandy. But take that domination, have it last three years and call it Troy Smith, then we'll see who's talking.

We've all had our eras. Michigan had the first 30 or so years, we've had most of the rest.

With Hart's injury and the mangled shoulder of Chad Henn-ington, a Michigan win looks as likely as a Biakabutuka comeback tour.

But you know how fickle "The Game" can be.

Zack Timmons is wondering how warm Pasadena is in January. He can be reached at timmons.60@osu.edu.