America has been abuzz since Sunday night when Twitter (and President Barack Obama) announced the death of world supervillain, Osama bin Laden.
When the news first broke, I immediately wondered what great American was responsible for this incredibly patriotic slaying.
Given bin Laden has been a hide-and-seek champion for nearly a decade, it’s clear that this work was not the product of mere mortals but rather pop culture’s greatest heroes.
After a day of reflecting, I’ve narrowed down the list of potential good guys to five patriots.
Honorable Mentions: Chuck Norris and the ‘JB’ superspies
Popular picks on Twitter are Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer. Norris’ ability to trace the whereabouts of airplanes based on odors in the mud doesn’t lend well to tracking a man who likely hasn’t reached much higher altitude than the third story of his newly departed mansion in recent years.
While Jack Bauer has been free for a while now that “24” has been canceled, let’s face it: It would be totally cliché for the “24” star to kill yet another terrorist.
James Bond and Jason Bourne were also considered, but Bond was likely busy bedding chicks at the royal wedding and calling on Bourne, who will be played by some wuss not named Matt Damon in the upcoming Bourne reboot, isn’t a good idea.
5. George W. Bush
W. hasn’t had much to do for the last couple years, so until he can vouch for what he’s been doing lately, he seems like a plausible candidate. Considering he built much of his platform on finding the “turrists,” it seems like something he could have taken personally. Bush isn’t poor, so I imagine he could have taken the Batman approach in finding bin Laden. And come on, you can’t tell me you can’t see him riding through the Middle Eastern deserts on his horse, wearing his cowboy hat and yelling for the “turrists” to come out and face America’s wrath.
4. Nancy Drew
For the sake of diversity, let’s include Nancy Drew. And this isn’t Title IX-like pandering, either. She could be a legitimate candidate here. Superwoman? Too obvious. But Nancy Drew, a teenage female detective? They would never see it coming. While she probably couldn’t fight bin Laden to death, she could use the element of surprise and lure the bigs in to finish the job.
3. Toby Keith
Without America, Toby Keith has nothing to sing about. Interest in Toby Keith might be dwindling, so much like Chris Brown’s recent window-shattering visit on “Good Morning America,” he may have resorted to a violent publicity stunt to get some media attention and sell records. Ever since he released the famous “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue,” Keith has been itching to put a boot in someone’s ass, and bin Laden provided the perfect chance for Keith to test out his shoe size.
2. Rebecca Black
I must admit this was not one of my original choices, but a co-worker convinced me otherwise. Rebecca Black may have legitimately accompanied the Navy SEALs in the operation. I’m sure bin Laden isn’t a fan of Western culture, and I can’t even begin to guess how he would react to her “Friday” video. Reports say bin Laden was shot in his left eye, but I doubt it. A trusty laptop with functional speakers cued up to “Friday” probably made all of his senses simultaneously fail and caused his eyes to explode. I don’t even want to know what happened to his ears.
1. Dexter Morgan
How bin Laden hasn’t been the villain on “Dexter” yet is beyond me. Everything fits so perfectly. Does anyone fit Dexter’s code better than bin Laden? And guess where bin Laden is buried: at sea, the same place Dexter puts his victims to rest. While I actually wish Dexter would have offed his own annoying sister before bin Laden, I think it’s safe to say that all the evidence points toward Dexter Morgan as the American patriot at hand.