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Oh! The Places He’ll Go!

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Things aren’t looking good for Jim Tressel at the moment. But with a winning record and reputation like his, Tressel is far from finished. As Theodor “Dr. Seuss” Geisel wrote in his classic “Oh! The Places You’ll Go!”:


You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.


Seuss might try to cheer up the glum Tressel by telling him all the places he could go. Seuss may have had a better grasp on rhyme schemes, but I tried my best.


I heard you resigned; this week wasn’t the best.

But you’ve still got your fans, you’ve still got your vest.

Even if the media has given you a black eye,

you’re still a desirable guy!


Your winning percentage and your recruiting skills

are among the talents for which most schools would kill.

The SEC, the Pac-10, the best of the best!

(Although it’d be somewhat ironic if you went Mountain West).


Maybe you’ve grown wary of the college game.

Try the NFL! It’s in no way the same.

In the pros, the defensive coaches get the wins,

and that’s perfect for you, being from the Big Ten.

Bill Belichick, Mike Tomlin and Rex Ryan run defensive schemes

that make offensive clowns like Pete Carroll cry in their dreams.


There’s always room for another on-air analyst

Give Herbstreit your number and he’ll do his best.

Plus, networks thrive with controversial stars in the picture.

Just look at CNN and Elliot Spitzer.


From what I’ve heard, your last two books have been hits,

so take your life’s lemon and make cash out of it.

Selling your story won’t be much of a chore;

It’s not like the Bucks haven’t sold things before.


No matter, you’ll be a local hero nonetheless.

In 2015, you could run for mayor of Columbus.

You could even vie for a gubernatorial spot.

With a nickname like “The Senator,” in politics, you would be hot.

Regardless of where you go, regardless of what you do,

your exit saddens us, even if the allegations are true.


While players like Pryor thought only of themselves,

the tattoos down their arms and their trophies on shelves,

and even when they threw you in front of the bus,

you were the only one who gave a damn for us.


You apologized to the Buckeye Nation,

and accepted your role in this situation.

So even now as you leave because of trivial sins,

The band is playing your song, and not on small violins.

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