SATIRE – As Ohio State officials continue with their plan to privatize parking, their latest proposition to quell students’ anger has done just the opposite.
Many students have expressed frustration over the plan, which would allow the potential buyer of OSU’s parking to raise prices by 7.5 percent every year for 10 years. OSU recently decided that the best solution was to include the Oval as part of the privatization package.
“We hope to turn the Oval into our biggest parking garage yet, allowing us to keep prices low while we still make a ton of money. It’s a win-win situation” said a campus official who asked to remain anonymous.
Many students were outraged at the idea.
“That would be, like, the worst idea ever, the Oval is like a tradition for me,” Kaci Smith, a third-year in marketing and president of the Kappa Kappa Delta Kappa sorority said. “Tanning season starts in April, and I’m going to be really upset if I don’t get to wear my bikini between classes while I lay out on the Oval.”
For others, it is their pets that will suffer.
Kenny Johnson, a second-year in exercise science, has two large dogs, although he lives in a studio apartment with no yard.
“Dude, I always let my dogs exercise on the Oval while I play frisbee with my bros,” Johnson said. “If they take away the Oval, how are my dogs going to get exercise? I’m a full-time student. I don’t have time to actually walk them.”
He added that losing the Oval will hurt his “game,” robbing him of the opportunity to entice girls with his pooches.
Yet some students would not mind getting rid of the Oval and all that it stands for.
Gideon Fight, a tenth-year in exploration, expressed relief with this plan.
“No longer will I have to dodge poorly aimed footballs, overzealous bikers, and Bible-thumping preachers on my way to class,” he said.
Students are currently planning an Occupy the Parking Garages demonstration to protest the university’s latest decision.
