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Satire: Chief Information Officer announces new passwords to now expire every 37 minutes

The automated message sent from the IT Service Desk that will crush all your hopes and dreams. Credit: Cory Frame / Lantern reporter

The automated message sent from the IT Service Desk that will crush all your hopes and dreams.
Credit: Cory Frame / Lantern reporter

In yet another late night campus-wide email blast from the IT Service Desk, the Office of the Chief Information Officer announced student and faculty passwords are now set to expire every 37 minutes.

The announcement, emailed at 3:47 a.m. Tuesday, also included the department’s plans to incorporate a new set of password guidelines.

The new system will now require each password to consist of an uncommon adjective, an occupation, some form of capitalization or punctuation, a prime number, the user’s favorite extinct animal and how many yards Kenny Guiton threw for in last week’s game (i.e. “frivolousJANITOR?!7583triceratops215”).

“Our Ohio State usernames and passwords are gateways to many systems and resources at the university. Protecting your personal information is our second-highest priority,” said the Chief Information Officer Rob Grubben, who then admitted his highest priority was that he “just really enjoys emailing people.”

“Once you have changed your password, you will be placed on a 37-minute reset cycle,” Grubben continued. “This gives the students ample time to think of a unique new password. If not, you will be locked out of your Buckeyelink literally forever.”

The OCIO then recommended that if users want to remain enrolled or employed at OSU, you should plan accordingly.

“We plan to improve identity and password management by proactively denying potential hackers a chance to break into our systems,” the CIO said. “That is why we have made it completely impossible to ever recover your password, if forgotten.”

The IT Service Desk email continued to note that if a student or faculty member does not renew their password before their 37-minute window closes, they will be completely deleted from every OSU system, without any trace of ever attending or working for the university.

Evan Goldberg, a first-year in computer information and science and current intern with the OCIO, weighed in on the new password protocol.

“I think this is great news,” Goldberg said. “Not really because it protects our privacy, I just don’t want my parents to be able to log in and check my grades. I’m in CSE 2111 right now, and I’m failing. It’s so hard!”

Janice Cupierto, associate director to Undergraduate Admissions, commended the new password policy along the lines that due to the limited number of known extinct animals, the harshly frequent and forced password changes will provide a nudge for students to graduate on time.

The announcement concluded by informing students and faculty that the new system took effect at the time of the email, so more than 97 percent of the system’s usernames and passwords have already expired.

Currently, only 61 students attend the university.

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously. 

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