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Satire: Local parents force unruly children to trick-or-treat off campus as punishment

In what seems to be a rather innovative way to reprimand your children, a local family is forcing their youngsters to trick-or-treat in the Ohio State off-campus neighborhood this year.

Mark and Debra McClain, of Dublin, Ohio, have decided their children have been acting way out of line lately and do not deserve to “have a fun Halloween” this year.

“My little Jack and Sara have just been total cry babies this year,” said Debra McClain of her 12- and 10-year-old son and daughter, respectively. “That is why we decided to drive them all the way up to the off-campus housing to do trick-or-treating this year.”

Debra McClain said she and her husband think this is a great punishment because she knows none of the college students living off-campus will be expecting to have any costumed visitors.

“It’s going to be great. They (Jack and Sara) are going to be so excited to run up and ask for candy, but none of the hungover kids are going to have any,”  Debra McClain said. “Oh, I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces.”

Mark McClain, former Buckeye and local storeowner, also agrees that his children deserve to be terribly let down this year.

“I just don’t know what has gotten into them this year. It’s like they never stop fighting with each other,” he said. “Why should we be good parents and take them out to collect free candy in a neighborhood that will actually have some? They’ll be lucky if they even find a house with a light on over by the campus area.”

Mark McClain continued to say that his children will be especially upset once they realize they aren’t receiving their Grandma’s allotment, like they usually do every year.

“My mom’s neighborhood is full of filthy rich people who give out two or three King-Sized candy bars a house,” he said. “Gosh, I used to love trick-or-treating there back in the day.”

Debra and Mark McClain allowed The Dim Bulb to speak with their daughter, Sara McClain, about this year’s Halloween festivities as long as we didn’t mention that her Halloween was soon going to be ruined.

“I can’t wait to show all my friends my authentic Katniss Everdeen outfit this year,” said Sara McClain about her very expensive, movie-quality costume. “I told my mom I would hate her forever if she didn’t buy it for me this year. She fell for it.”

At this, Sara’s mother seemed to curl a malicious smile in excitement for her daughter’s imminent disappointment.

The Dim Bulb also reached out to Jack McClain for comment but unfortunately, he could not be reached as he is currently “grounded for throwing rocks at moving cars.”

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.

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