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Satire: Throwing empty beer cans on your lawn now considered community service

The area surrounding OSU’s campus can often be found littered with empty cans, broken glass and other trash. Credit: Logan Hickman / Lantern reporter

The area surrounding OSU’s campus can often be found littered with empty cans, broken glass and other trash.
Credit: Logan Hickman / Lantern reporter

For many college students, finding the time to give back to the community can be extremely hard considering a busy schedule already burdened with school, homework, extra-curriculars, maybe a part-time job and just trying to keep up with a social life.

Fortunately, the act of throwing empty beer cans onto your front lawn is now recognized as community service by the city of Columbus.

In a partnership with a faith-based organization, the Leaders Interested in Throwing Trash Everywhere Religiously, better known as LITTER, the city has deemed tossing used beer cans all over campus a benefit to society.

Jebidiah Schmashmouf, founder of LITTER and local homeless shelter volunteer, recently spoke with the Dim Bulb about his excitement for his new endeavor.

“I‘m so happy to be in charge of this initiative,” Schmashmouf said. “I believe LITTER is going to be a great way to give back to the students who already contribute so much to the homeless communities. Each beer can tossed is considered one hour spent serving your community.”

Schmashmouf continued to say that the hard-working Buckeyes who host parties so large that they spill out into the lawns are “really taking pride in where they live.”

“It is great we were able to convince the court systems that carelessly chucking crushed Natural Light cans all over your property is actually a service for the community and helps those less fortunate,” he said.

Columbus Mayor Michael Coleman has also vocalized his support for LITTER and its intent.

“I was in college once. I loved shotgunning a tall boy or two in the yard and just dropping it wherever I was,” Coleman said. “Now students can continue to do so and feel good about it.”

Logan Kiljon, a fourth-year in economics and frequent party-goer, offered his opinion on the partnership.

“I love that homeless dudes come and pick up our dirty cans so I don’t have to,” Kiljon said. “Now that it’s officially community service, I have to update my résumé. I’ve been doing that for years!”

Schmashmouf also commented on how LITTER will not only support panhandlers, but it may also jump-start the economy.

“If a drunk person responsibly disposes of their aluminum cans, who knows how long it’ll take to be recycled?” he said. “Now they’re all easily collected into trash bags and stolen shopping carts the morning after and sold right back into the system.”

Although LITTER seems to have few disadvantages for society, some people do not agree that scattering about your party trash should be considered a community service.

“I volunteer every weekend at a local orphanage because I actually care about people,” said Rachelle Carr, a second-year in public health. “This is just a way for drunken fools to act like they are good people.”

Conversely, Jason Bachs, a first-year in strategic communication, couldn’t be happier about the change.

“This is great news. I was actually arrested for an underage last week and sentenced to 30 hours community service,” Bachs said. “Looks like if I drink a case to myself this weekend and just don’t throw the cans away, my time is served!”

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.

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