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Satire: Studies prove it is literally impossible for Coach Urban Meyer to lose

Coach Urban Meyer stands on the sidelines at the game against Purdue. OSU won, 56-0. Credit: Ritika Shah / Asst. photo editor

Coach Urban Meyer stands on the sidelines at the game against Purdue. OSU won, 56-0.
Credit: Ritika Shah / Asst. photo editor

According to a recent study conducted by Ohio State’s Department of Statistics, it has been proven that Buckeye coach Urban Meyer literally can never lose.

The revealing study, led by Chen Fachen, a professor in the statistics department, not only found that Meyer will absolutely not lose any of his upcoming games, it also found that, in fact, Meyer has never lost a game before.

“Based on our research, we found that no matter who coach Meyer plays, he will automatically leave with a ‘W’ under his belt,” Fachen said. “Our findings also suggest that Urban Meyer has never lost a game before in his life, as he wasn’t the coach of the Buckeyes at the time — ipso facto — those games don’t count and nobody cares about them anyway.”

The intensive study that definitively proves the impossibility for Meyer to lose was reportedly based on this and last year’s football seasons.

“We analyzed each game, its outcome and the season’s current record and our conclusive evidence reveals Urban Meyer couldn’t lose even if he wanted to,” Fachen said. “We are pleased to announce he is currently 21-0.”

Many students and players have shared their opinions on the recent discovery of Coach Meyer’s inability to lose.

“We should just start playing the mercy rule if it’s now a proven fact that we are going to win every game from here on out,” said Charlie Chunkman, a third-year in biology. “I mean, we beat Purdue, 56-0, last week. That’s what the mercy rule is.”

Braxton Miller, starting junior quarterback for the Buckeyes, claims to have known this the whole time.

“Of course he (Meyer) can’t lose. I’ve honestly tried sometimes,” Miller explained. “Sometimes I’ll try and throw the ball directly to the defense, just to make the game a little more interesting. Every interception I’ve ever thrown has been intentional.”

The Dim Bulb reached out to Meyer for a comment but a spokesman said he was too busy laughing at every other team in the Big 10.

The study has even gone as far as to say that not only will Meyer never lose a football game, ever, for the rest of time, but it also claims he will win literally everything else he ever plays.

At press time, it was reported that upon hearing of his own invincibility, Meyer went out and purchased a MegaMillions lottery ticket.

Currently, Luke Fickell is once again serving as interim head coach, as Meyer now has a net worth of $98.2 million and has quit the team to go fight a bull.

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.

One comment

  1. People laugh, but its true.

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