8th Floor Improv Comedy Column

Dear Highlights magazine,

I've been a fan of your fine publication for quite some time. So much so that I've continued my subscription these past 15 years. However, I've noticed a growing flaw in your fine magazine: Highlights has not aged at all! The important life lessons of sharing and consideration for my friends and family are the same. I looked to your informative and thought-provoking articles for guidance through some of the trickiest social issues imaginable. Thanks to your inspiring words, I never complained when I was not given a gift at a friend's birthday party, and I always made sure to salute my local police chief. But that's where the lessons end. I think it's time your wonderful publication stepped into the "18-and-up" demographic. Here are a few suggestions:

Update your image. Yes, watercolors of mice and raccoons having tea are nice, but where's the eye-catching appeal of the latest natural disaster to hit a developing community, or scandalized politician? Time and Newsweek make a killing every week with powerful, attention-grabbing images of the most pressing current events. This would inevitably force an update to the content of your magazine. Give us hard-hitting journalism, not about animals that may one day possibly be endangered, but about the real lives of the men and women in our capitol. The American public longs for gripping, visceral reading, and now is the time for Highlights to catch up with the rest of the literary world.

Create new riddles, puzzles, and brain-teasers. We adults like to read hard, and we like to play harder. Give us a challenge once in a while! For example, your July 2007 issue featured the following puzzle: "What do these three words have in common: Ocean, Lake, River?" Now, the solution is obvious (boats work in all three), but I prefer to be challenged. Give me a good old-fashioned Cryptogram or even more of what we loved as kids with a "grown-up" flourish. Give us three random objects (such as a blender, a staple gun and the Constitution) and force us to make connections.

Give us some new life lessons. We learned not only how to read, write, and "Rithmatize" from Highlights, but also how to live better. Today's adults are in constant need of guidance, and your fine writers are more than prepared to give it to them. Give us health and wellness tips. Suggest stocks. Make playoff predictions. We 20- to 70-somethings will take just about any advice we can get.

On that note, your classic "Goofus and Gallant" segment could stand to be updated. Maybe change it to "Blegojevich and Pelosi" or "Hilton and Ritchie and everyone else." Keep the same format, but jazz it up for the more enlightened and mature readers: "Blagojevich thinks it's okay to misrepresent the entire state of Illinois as money-hungry politicians, but Pelosi keeps her state's reputation clean," or "Hilton and Richie go on three-day benders, ultimately ending up in property damage and scandal, everyone else doesn't."

I've enjoyed your incredible magazine for years, and, with these suggestions, I can ensure that this will continue well into our old ages.

Sincerely,

Matthew Alan