The Lantern

Issue date: 3/26/08 Section: Arts

As I round third base of my college career and head for home, I look back on my time here at Ohio State and think about the na've Australian freshman I was when I arrived in Columbus a mere five years ago I was completely unprepared for the insanity I would encounter after stepping onto the sacred grounds of the OSU campus.

Despite undertaking stringent cultural research on college life prior to my departure, mostly in the form of studying American teen movies like "Legally Blonde," I remained completely oblivious to the general absurdity of college life and American culture in general. While I was completely fascinated by sororities and wanted to learn more about these strange girls and their peculiar rituals and intriguing lifestyles, I knew I definitely did NOT want to be in one. My hair is not nearly blonde enough, my nails not manicured enough and I'm definitely not catty enough to handle all the sorority-house scandals.

During orientation for international students, I was further enlightened to the cultural mores I would be dealing with.

For instance, Americans like to shower every day. Also, agreeing to 'hang out' with someone of the opposite sex means you're agreeing to a date and just might be stuck with them forever. And clearly the office of international education is on the ball, especially when they made me take the English placement test despite my protests that I am a native English speaker.

Like any good freshman, it didn't take me long to discover the joys of aimlessly wandering the streets surrounding campus in the vain search of a party with free beer. So shortly after my arrival, I found myself drinking a Natty Light while wandering down Indianola and feeling quite at home.

Somehow I remained oblivious to the finer points of Ohio's drinking laws, as I honestly believed that drinking a beer while walking down the street was "frowned upon" and not a major crime. How was I to know the cops here are so adamantly opposed to college kids knocking back a cold one while migrating from one party to the next? Seriously though, I didn't know how long we were going to be stuck roving the perilous streets of the campus area before locating the next frat party. It's a dangerous world out there, and if my dad taught me anything it was to always be prepared when entering the unknown.

Well I was prepared, and I was not going to face those hazardous streets without the vital nutrients one can only get from a beer - even if it was from the most disgusting beer I had tasted in my life (How does America manage to make beer taste so bad?).

It didn't take me long to discover that, in fact, this very act could earn me a ride downtown to jail, with a free strip-search and body cavity exploration thrown in for good measure. I was given a crash course on the law by a 'friendly' Columbus police officer who apprehended me less than 50 meters from the first party; it's like they have a sixth sense when it comes to kids with open containers.

Too bad their rapist radar is not as finely tuned.

Mind you, the fact that I had just noticed that I was drinking a light beer (in Australia, light beer is light on alcohol, not carbs; as such, no self-respecting Aussie ever drinks light beer) and was complaining about this fact rather loudly probably helped alert him of my presence.

Fortunately I was able to use my Aussie charm to work my way out of this situation. After inquiring about my age "Uh, I'm 22…," we established the second important fact; that I was a foreigner, fresh off the boat.

Cop: "Are you allowed to consume alcohol while walking down the sidewalk in Australia?"

Me, extremely indignantly: "Yes."

Cop: "Well, something tells me you have an idea that you are not allowed to do that here, but I will let you off with a warning this time."

And that was that. I was livid about being treated with such disrespect for the rest of the evening - well, at least until I got to the next party and had another beer in my hand. It wasn't until later when I learned what reckless mad dogs the cops in this city actually are when it comes to underage drinking and open container laws that I realized just how lucky I actually was not to have spent that night in jail.

My rowing coach would not have been happy if he had to bail me out the next morning.

Briony Clare can be reached at clare.6@osu.edu.

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