Why does Hollywood insist on trying to turn wrestlers into actors?
We were forced to watch Jesse “The Body” Ventura stumble his way through “Predator” and were treated to two wrestlers floundering in the pitiful alien flick “Suburban Commando” (the two being Hulk Hogan and the Undertaker).
But it seems like Hollywood finally got the wrestler recipe right: Take the hulking Rock, add plenty of action and sprinkle with a minimal amount of complicated words and viola – you’ve got the typical action film “The Scorpion King.” It would work if only this recipe didn’t leave the feasting audience with such a bad taste in their mouths.
This is the point in the review where the plot summary usually appears, but that implies that in this flimsy film exists something resembling a story.
Instead, the Rock rides through the desert on a camel as Mathayus, the last member of a dying tribe of mercenaries for hire, who enjoys killing nearly everyone he comes across, except for the standard rag-tag band of misfits he takes under his wing along the way.
In this case, the misfits are made up of a wise-cracking thief, a crazy inventor, bitter muscleman Balthazar (Michael Clarke Duncan) and the sorceress of Mathayus’ enemy, tyrant king Memnon (Steven Brand).
Everything about this film screams Hollywood quicky-flick, in the attempt to capitalize on the success of “The Mummy” and its sequel, which features the debut of the Rock as the Scorpion King.
While it didn’t take as many people to write several equally dismal films, it still took three screenwriters to give the Rock his non-taxing, one word lines. The trio even managed to best “Pearl Harbor” for the worst and most out-of-place romantic sub-plot in recent memory.
With thinly veiled explanations, Mathayus is hired to kill sorceress Cassandra (Kelly Hu), falls in love with her as she turns turncoat and then goes after Memnon himself. The movie even lacks a plausible birth of Mathayus’ Scorpion King nickname.
Even with the string of horrible movies attached to Hulk Hogan, the Rock, whose real name is Dwayne Johnson, may take the prize as worst wrestler-turned-actor. While the writers should be praised for limiting his dialogue, the Rock comes off as a large goon. He may have pulled off the despicable attitude of the bitter assassin, but his sudden change into a sappy romantic lead is about as convincing as arguing that professional wrestling is real.
The Rock may be one of the greatest wrestlers in the world, but he should stick to more activities where he just flexes his muscles.
The supporting cast suffers from the same problems as the Rock, but at least it can be partially blamed on the script. The most disappointing performance among the rest of the cast is that of Duncan. Since his Oscar-nominated performance as John Coffey in “The Green Mile,” Duncan has appeared in increasingly worse roles, ranging from the bad “The Whole Nine Yards” to the even worse “Planet of the Apes.”
Hu will be the member of the cast to really draw in the male teen crowd with her only-in-Hollywood body being flashed around as much as the Rock’s sword. As an added bonus, she is actually given larger sentences to work with, but as a nearly-naked sorceress, her presence is little more than eye candy for the film’s target demographic.
With “The Scorpion King” being the “third” part of the “Mummy” series (with this one being a prequel and not officially another “Mummy” movie), director Chuck Russell completes his second “part three” movie, the first being “A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors.” Granted, “Scorpion” may be the superior film of the two, but Russell’s standard technique prevents him from ever rising above his previous efforts and becoming a desired director.
“The Scorpion King” is a lot like an Ultimate Fighting bout; full of extreme violence, but in the end, lacking any substance whatsoever, leaving the audience with an unclean feeling when it’s finally over.
Todd LaPlace is a sophomore in journalism. The 8:30 a.m. ceramic wheel throwing class would like to thank Betty for her much needed 4 a.m. amusement. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].
