Dear Harlan,
I am a graduating senior and I am facing one of the biggest decisions of my life. It’s not where to live, or what job to take. It’s about a crush. I have been madly in love with my ex-girlfriend since I met her about six years ago. By the time I graduated high school, we were dating and it was bliss. We came to school together and bliss took a hiatus. Despite the breakup, we have always remained close friends due to the natural bond we share. We have each had a couple of relationships since we were last together. I adore her and respect everything she’s become. When I’m around her I feel electric and vigorous.
She is in a relationship that seems a bit co-dependant and I think she’s scared to leave. I have protested my love to her on a few recent occasions in a light mannered way but she seems to question my sincerity. I see her as someone I would love to spend the rest of my life with. Not only is she breathtakingly beautiful, but also she is witty and sarcastic. And she is intelligent, much smarter than me. But her soul is the one irreplaceable thing she has that makes my search for love always end with her. So at this point I am her close friend.
She has a boyfriend who treats her badly and does not give her the respect or thoughtfulness she deserves. She has left him several times only to go back because of promises made by him, which continue to get broken. Since my last relationship ended about a year ago I have been dreaming of getting back with the crush. Her current boyfriend does not like her talking to me or having anything to do with me, let alone seeing me for coffee. He is really possessive and insecure about their relationship. I think he’s afraid he can’t cut it and I augment those fears.
So I am taking the risk. I have chosen Valentine’s Day as my cutoff. I have been quietly chilling — waiting for their relationship to fall apart. But I realize I can’t linger too long without leading myself into some sort of co-dependent, unhealthy waiting game. I have to tell her how I feel. I know I will rock the boat, but I don’t want to drown the crush either. The time has arrived. Any suggestions, Harlan?
Crushy
Dear Crushy,
Time is fleeting. The moment is approaching. Your heart is bursting. Crushy must speak!
If your ex is not ready to date you, she can at least know that you loved her enough to take the risk. Some might say that confessing your love to an ex in a relationship isn’t considerate. But you’re dealing with a time element. Apologize for putting her in what might be an uncomfortable situation with her boyfriend, but explain why you had to do it. And if you don’t mind putting something in writing, make it a loving note with the feelings that sometimes get lost in a nervous conversation. It’s time to speak. Regardless of her response, you are and will always be a hero. Please let us know what happens.
Need advice? Write Harlan at [email protected] or online at www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Copyright Harlan Cohen
Columnist Harlan Cohen will be appearing on Feb. 19 at 7:00 p.m. at the Ohio Union.
