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Mints for all occasions

I have a new fetish. It began when I was doing some undercover work at Victoria’s Secret and discovered the company makes mints. Not just any mints. These were Getting Intimints, and they were shaped like corsets. They were even sugar-free so the consumer might actually manage squeezing into a corset herself.

I thought these would provide a great pick-up line for a dorky English major like myself, so I bought two boxes.

Later, I found “I Love Lucy” Predic-a-Mints. They came in a tin that had a picture of a panicked Lucille Ball on its cover – mints for unsuccessful schemers. I paid far more for a tin of Predic-a-Mints than anyone should ever spend on temporary fresh breath. That’s when I realized how lucrative clever mint-making could be.

Since the Predic-a-Mints, my roommate, Luisa, and I have come up with a plethora of marketable mint ideas.

My opinion is that someone with capital should use some of our ideas, make a bunch of money, and give Luisa and I a chunk of the profits. Here’s what we’ve come up with so far:

In Britain, you could make a system of Governmints. The tourists would love it. There would be Parliamints and House of Commints. Some would be shaped like the Parliament building, others like powdered wigs. The back of the tin would have a list of facts about the British government. These could also be marketed to U.S. social studies teachers because they would offer a fresh, educational look at English customs.

For the anarchists, you could make Fight the Establishmints. These would be black, white, brown and yellow mints shaped like fists. The same crowd would also buy Save the Environmints – organic, blue and green spherical mints. Some of the profits could go to Greenpeace.

Feel like suing someone? Be courteous about it and send some gavel shaped Indictmints along with the subpoena. If you’re really angry, you could also send some Solitary Confinemints. When you get sick of the court proceedings, offer Settlemints.

Perhaps the Catholic Church could help people forget about those little molestation scandals by giving out Sacramints and Testamints. They would have to be antibacterial to remind folks that cleanliness is next to godliness.

People in love are often willing to overspend on the object of their affection. Cash in on their emotions with a series of romantic mints including Magic Momints, Engagemints, Commitmints, and Sweet Sentimints.

The company that makes those candy hearts with sincere sayings like “e-mail me” could branch out and make Complimints. They could be shaped like stars , and each mint would feature a compliment such as, “you’re hot” or “good job.” The same company could make Embarrassmints, which would have sentences such as “your fly’s open,” “your career is over” and “there’s spinach in your teeth.”

Luisa’s greatest idea was Contain Your Excitemints. These could be any shape or color, but their container would have to be breathtaking.

My favorite was Condom-mints. You could do a couple of things with these. They could be after burger mints made to look like ketchup and mustard bottles, or they could be the male answer to Intimints.

Forget tax cuts and interest rates; a mint industry might be the much-needed great idea for waking up the economy.

Rachel Merton is a senior in English. She can be reached for comment at merton.4@osu.edu.

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