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Everything gives you cancer: Avoid leafy greens, FDA says

Don’t eat that. Or that. Or that.

That seems to be the motherly mantra of the Food and Drug Administration, who recently released their annual list of “Riskiest Foods.” Leafy greens topped the compilation of dangerous delicacies, furthering my refusal to eat salads. Not only do they taste bad; they are apparently also bad for you.

The list also includes ice cream, eggs, tuna, potatoes, tomatoes and cheese.

Paranoia is not exclusive to the FDA, however. Over the summer, the Cancer Project lobbied for warning labels to be placed on packages of hot dogs due to their alleged ties to colorectal cancer. The group also filed a class-action suit against major hot dog manufacturers like Nathan’s, Kraft, Oscar Mayer, Sara Lee and Con Agra.

My bologna has a first name. It’s C-A-N-C-E-R.

According to the American Cancer Society, approximately 50,000 people die each year from colorectal cancer. Hot dogs aside, other causes include age, alcohol, diabetes, lack of exercise, obesity, and smoking. Surely no American gains weight, drinks, smokes, forgoes exercise or gets older. So hot dogs must be the only cause of colorectal cancer.

It is easy to point the finger at food when analyzing someone’s death. In fact, since everyone will probably die someday, you can blame their death on just about anything. A man falls off a 500-foot cliff while wearing a green shirt. A headline might read, “Wearing green can prove fatal.”

Since everything you eat and drink will kill you, I have constructed my own diet. It avoids all of these risks and is very cost-efficient. There are no confusing manuals or annoying schedules or point systems to juggle. My diet consists of eating nothing. Not even the smallest grain of rice will enter your body and cause harm. I’m looking out for you.

High grocery costs are a thing of the past, there will be no more long, sweaty hours spent preparing food in the kitchen, and you will notice waistline reduction in mere days.

But won’t I become extremely hungry and weak? Absolutely. But isn’t it worth it to know you are not filling your body with dangerous toxins and other cancerous materials?

So feel no regrets smoking cigarettes. The differences between drinking Coke and snorting it are minimal. We will all end up pushing daisies anyway.

But for all of you health nuts, my diet will rescue you from the jaws of food-borne illness. Rest assured.

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