College football fans have almost all had to put up with hearing from various other people why Buckeyes should be rooting for Michigan any given week. These people break out pie charts and BCS computer rankings and put together a long, drawn-out diatribe about why Ohio State needs the Wolverines to win to improve its own position or to advance the cause of a nationally disrespected Big Ten.
I hate the Wolverines. I hate them more than blue-book essay exams. I hate them more than the Internal Revenue Service. I hate them more than cancer. Hell, it’s a coin flip whether I hate them more than al-Qaeda.
When Michigan was down to Appalachian State late in its game against the tiny Football Championship Subdivision school, I was overjoyed. My drinking buddy launched into a long-winded explanation of how bad it would be for the Big Ten if Michigan should go on to lose.
Nothing could have been more hilarious to me. It was like my birthday, Christmas and the first day of summer break all rolled into one.
Last Saturday, during Michigan’s game against Wisconsin, ABC cut to a shot of UM coach Rich Rodriguez grimacing on the sideline after yet another Wolverine defensive lapse. I swear I thought he was going to burst into tears. That is like manna from heaven for my soul.
So when someone tells me this season that we want that team up north to be as strong as possible when OSU faces Michigan in The Big House, I scoff. I don’t want them to be as strong as possible. To the contrary; I want Michigan to lose every single game it ever plays.
There are myriad reasons for this. Most of them are just instinctive — visceral, even. But I have rational reasons, as well.
The farther into the mud the Bucks shove UM’s face, the better it is for OSU’s recruiting. If OSU continues to beat the Wolverines mercilessly, Ohio’s high school recruits will no longer dream of crossing the border to play for Michigan. Gone will be the days of traitors like Marcus Ray and Charles Woodson.
Instead, I want OSU’s assistant coaches to be able to go into Michigan, steal all of its recruits and spread salt upon the field at The Big House so nothing grows there ever again.
But most of all, I want OSU to crush them because I want Rich Rodriguez to get fired. I know I shouldn’t revel in the prospect of another man losing his job, especially in this economy, but I can’t help it.
I can’t be the only one who chuckled when RichRod was being investigated for PracticeGate. There must be more like me out there who laughed about the fact that he was the victim of a Ponzi scheme.
When Lloyd Carr became a lovable loser overnight once coach Tressel arrived at OSU, I still kind of liked the guy. He was comfortable, not unlike that crappy old sweatshirt you wear to rake fall leaves in.
RichRod is just a plain old loser.
He bailed on West Virginia, which is fine but then tried to weasel his way out of paying the $4 million buyout clause in his contract that he had inked his name to, presumably of his own free will.
So my greatest hope for the game this Saturday is for the Buckeyes to hang 50 on a Michigan defense that looks an awful lot like the French army succumbing to — well, really anyone.
I’d love to see a Daniel “Boom” Herron run, a Devier Posey reception, a Cameron Heyward sack and a Terrell Pryor heave become the final nails in the symbolic coffin of a man that I have come to despise.
Something tells me that I am not alone in this thought and that there are plenty of people up north who would gladly eat another $4 million buyout to send RichRod merrily on his way.