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8th Floor Improv Comedy Column

OK, you guys are making it really hard to be perfect right now. I think there a few people out there that don’t quite get my purpose or why I’m here on this Earth. I mean, I am really close to losing it right now.

Breathe, Jesus. Breathe. You’re the “Prince of Peace,” remember? Just be calm. Whew. Sorry.

All right, let me reiterate this one more time — I’m the son of God, and I was sent here to save humanity. However, I would like to say this: I know for a fact that I was not sent here to turn your fraternity’s pond into a pool of wine so you can have “the raddest time of all time.” I’ve seen the billboards: “those who host lose the most.” As the Host, I have a lot to lose, guys, OK?

Oh, and I’m not going to add another chapter to The New Testament titled “Chad.” It’s Matthew, Mark, Luke and definitely not Chad, Dave, or Bow-Legged Steve. That chapter would be totally irrelevant to the message I’m trying to convey! What would that chapter even be about? How we got drunk and then proceeded to throw various fruits at the leprosy-stricken homeless? As interesting and fun as that sounds, no, it won’t happen. Sorry, Chad.

Oh and by the way, my name is Jesus — not The Magical Wine Wizard — even though I do have long hair and a beard.

Biff’s Fish, Bread and Wine Restaurant: I love what you guys do. I love the food and wine; it’s great. But I will not partner with you.

Yes, I am aware that I fed more than 4,000 people with only five loaves of bread and two fish, and yes, I am aware that I have turned water into wine, and yes, I am aware that I would be the perfect asset to your business. However, I wasn’t sent to Earth to become a powerful restaurant tycoon.

Again, let me reiterate myself: I was sent here to save humanity, and saving them of hunger and sobriety does not count. I mean, do you really think God sent his only son to Earth just to start a lucrative restaurant chain? Like that was God’s master plan all along?

He created the heavens, the Earth, water, every plant, animal and human being just to see them all marvel at his boy’s seafood restaurant? Biff, you have got to be out of your frickin’ mind if you think you’re partnering with “The Lamb of God.”

I did walk on water once, this is true. But will I give up my mission of saving mankind’s sins to become a lifeguard at your local pool? Of course I will!

Just kidding. No, I won’t do that.

That’s a stupid idea. You’re right, I could have prevented Old Man Johnson from drowning … or I could save all of mankind. Old people shouldn’t even be swimming anyway! Plus, I have horrific tan lines; I wear a robe all day. No one wants to see that. No one.


Check out 8th Floor Improv on Fridays at Drexel Gateway.

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