Question: What happened to the nickname? Here we sit atop an embarrassment of riches — the university with the most collegiate sports in all the NCAA — and all we have to show for it is Daniel “Boom” Herron. Come on. We can do better.
Is Chris Berman of ESPN fame the only one who can come up with a good nickname? He is talented, don’t get me wrong: Mike “you’re in-good-hands-with” Alstott, Albert “Winnie the” Pujols, Jose “can you see” Canseco, and my favorite, Scott “Supercalifragilisticexpiali” Brosius. But surely we can come up with some for our athletes.
Take the football team for example. Dozens of talented young men with only one recognized nickname among the lot: “Boom.” Tsk tsk tsk. We have an other-worldly receiver named Dane Sanzenbacher — are you kidding me? “The Catchinator” Dane “Stickum” Sanzenbacher!
Another receiver so good the Badgers put two guys on him: “DeVious” DeVier Posey. How about Cameron “Hide you’re quarterbacks, hide your running backs and hide your coaches too because he’s tackling everyone out here” Heyward? It’s long, but he’s a big guy. It would fit on his jersey.
Other ideas include: Jake “Rolling” Stoneburner, Andrew Sweat “The Technique,” Tyler “Respawning in 3 … 2 … 1” Moeller and “Oh S—! It’s:” Brian Rolle. You get the idea. They don’t all have to be Bermanisms but something unique that highlights our athlete’s abilities.
We have stellar athletes in other sports, too. Gymnast Brandon “For the” Wynn is about to begin competition with the U.S. National Team at the 2010 World Artistic Championships. OSU Women’s Volleyball star Kelli “Sets the” Barhorst was just named Big Ten Player of the Week.
Nicknames are morale boosters. You hear the deafening “BOOOOOM” in the ‘Shoe when Herron breaks a big one. When the team travels, and announcers have to point out that “they’re not booing, folks,” that is a staple of the Buckeye nation. We need more of that.
I believe merit is a hallmark of a good nickname. But if that’s the case, why does Archie “too-damn-fast-for-a-nickname” Griffin not have one? If any player in college football history should have a nickname, it’s the only two-time Heisman trophy winner. Eddie George, Troy Smith, Terry Glenn, Chris Spielman — where are their nicknames?
We have the talent and the opportunity, so let’s be creative and give our players in all sports good, wholesome nicknames that will last generations and show that we really are the best damn fans in the land.
