This is part of a weekly series called “Pop Opinions” where The Lantern offers its take on the week’s pop culture news.
Award shows need abbreviating
Award shows are a logistical nightmare.
The Washington Post has statistics to back this up, too. The Post’s Caitlin Dewey calculated that the time award winners took to simply walk to the stage made up 10 percent of the Golden Globes broadcast.
Jacqueline Bisset, who won Best Supporting Actress in a series, miniseries or TV movie for her performance in “Dancing on the Edge,” was the queen of the schleprocks, spending 66 seconds swapping spit with everyone at her table, trying to put on her best surprise face, applying another round of deodorant to her pits, catching up on her games of Words with Friends, loading the Internet on dial-up and preparing a bowl of Easy Mac before finally getting her bum on stage.
Amy Adams, who won Best Actress in a motion picture: musical or comedy for her performance in “American Hustle,” was practically Usain Bolt with a record time of 11 seconds spent to get to the stage.
Theoretically, award shows need only a 15-minute timeslot on basic cable television. By following this five-step plan, Americans nationwide can get their fix of celebrity idolatry while also being able to go back to watching football and eating buffalo chicken dip in a timely manner:
– Pre-show is two minutes long, featuring Joan Rivers spitting nearly offensive, not-that-funny jokes about Sofia Vergara’s cleavage.
– Tina Fey and Amy Poehler do a six-minute long stand-up routine to open the show, focusing on how stupid and overrated Bono is wearing his dumb, red-tinted sunglasses.
– One minute is used for a moment of silence, dedicated to figuring out why Bono is even at this award show.
– Awards are presented in a four-minute PowerPoint presentation. Trophies are shot out to the audience in T-shirt cannons.
– Bono takes credit for tearing down the Berlin Wall in the last two minutes. His sunglasses are now tinted green.
Show’s over, and people can now go back to making grilled pizzas or whatever you do when award shows are not on.
Eggs-citing Justin Bieber news
Of all the egg-citing news egg-spierenced by Hollywood this past week, one story egg-sists that is causing some heads to scramble: Justin Bieber allegedly did something wrong.
Justin Bieber? You mean Saint Justin? The one who granted his 200th wish for the Make-A-Wish foundation in August? Benevolent Bieber?
Investigators from the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department showed up at Bieber’s front door Tuesday morning with a search warrant. The deputies weren’t yolkin’ around — they were trying to crack down on a report of eggs being thrown at a neighbor’s home Thursday night.
Although Bieber’s temper is known to be hard and sometimes boiling, he allegedly cooperated with the officials. However, Lil Za, Bieber’s friend who was hangin’ with Justin in his domain at the time of the search, was a lil less than egg-static when he was arrested for what was initially believed to be cocaine, but could be Ecstasy and Xanax. Either way, it was white, and Lil Za was not going to egg-scape without handcuffs.
Pop Opinions is happy to announce we beat TMZ with more egg puns in the reporting of this story.