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Satire: Student signs another loan he won’t pay back

Upon the realization he has not been budgeting his finances properly, one local student has recently signed yet another federal loan he has absolutely no intention of ever fully paying back.

Sources confirm Tony Higginbottom, a sophomore studying economics, logged into his BuckeyeLink account last night around 9 p.m. and accepted another $3,500 unsubsized loan, or as Higginbottom calls it, “basically free money.”

“I was ordering a bunch of ‘Game of Thrones’ DVDs off Amazon.com and when I went to check-out my debit card got declined. That’s when I realized that I was probably going to have to add even more of the government’s money to my growing student debt,” Higginbottom said.

Higginbottom said he loves that whenever he’s in a pinch, he can just click a few simple buttons online that will cover him right now but most likely result in his own life-crippling financial depression.

“It’s such an easy system to use,” Higginbottom said about the financial aid tab located inside BuckeyeLink, while carelessly filling out the shipping information for his recently purchased $500 Xbox One. “I don’t even need to sign any papers!”

Although Higginbottom claims the website students might be using to irresponsibly throw their future financial security down the drain works great, he does admit at times it can be stressful.

“Sometimes if I wait too long, my online window closes. Then I have to go down to the Student Services Center and wait like four hours and actually have to talk to somebody,” Higginbottom said while ordering a large meat-lovers pizza for dinner. “But it usually works out. College is so fun.”

When asked how he felt about the ever-growing interest rates and lack of growth in the job market, Higginbottom just answered that question with another question.

“Well, the government doesn’t really expect us to actually pay them back if we can’t get a job, do they?” he asked. “I hope not, because even if I get a great job, it’ll take me like a hundred years.

“Ehh, I don’t really plan on ever graduating anyway. I don’t really like jobs and it just seems boring. I’m probably just going to ride out college for the next six or seven years and then move home and live off my parents until they kick the bucket.”

At press time, it has been reported that Higginbottom missed all of his classes Wednesday as he is currently stuck on a “really hard mission” in “Grand Theft Auto V.”

“This game is so sick.”

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.

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