Four Loko is an alcoholic energy drink developed by three OSU graduates. Credit: Courtesy of MCT

Four Loko is an alcoholic energy drink developed by three OSU graduates.
Credit: Courtesy of MCT

This is part of a weekly series called “Pop Opinions” where The Lantern offers its take on the week’s pop culture news.

Ivy League kid

A Long Island high school senior was accepted into the eight schools where, coincidentally, I was denied.

Kwasi Enin, a 17-year old attending William Floyd High School, has Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Princeton, Yale and University of Pennsylvania all itching for his presence on their campuses this fall, officially making Enin more powerful than Ryan Seacrest.

Kwasi ranks 11th in his class, scored a 2,250 out of 2,400 on his SAT, has taken 11 AP courses, plays three instruments, sings a capella, throws shot put and discus for the high school’s track and field team, has scored a lead role in every school play since ninth grade and volunteers at a local hospital.

For comparison, my high school rank was the output of the square root of 21,316 divided by two, I was too excited to eat my cheese string during the SAT breaks and rushed through the reading section, took two AP courses (one in which I proved that you can, in fact, score a 1 on those tests), watched and owned the movie “Pitch Perfect,” hurled insults at my parents which always landed in my grounding, was told by my voice teacher I was unable to “project” and sometimes volunteered. Sometimes.

At press time, my grandparents adopted Enin as their new grandchild.

Four Loko blacks out of college campuses

Apparently, Four Loko now has to start upping its advertising game to market to its nonexistent 68-year-old retired baby boomer demographic.

Why? Because the only people who actually drink something that stares at you and calls you “crazy” in misspelled Spanish are college students, but Phusion, Four Loko’s parent company, agreed to “never market the drink on college campuses except at licensed retailers,” according to the Huffington Post.

For those not in the know, Four Loko is an alcoholic beverage developed by three Ohio State graduates who wanted a way to drink it in Columbus but wake up in Taiwan with little to no knowledge as to who, what, when, where or how.

Not only can Four Loko no longer get crazy with the college kids, they also have to take out three ingredients of the Four Loko super secret concoction. Several years ago, caffeine, guarana and taurine were replaced with Red 40, a food coloring agent, in the drink, which completely wiped out the 4-year-olds-who-just-found-out-they-are-allergic-to-red-food-coloring-after-eating-a-cherry-popsicle demographic for Four Loko and means they have to pull their commercial slot on Nick Jr.

How am I supposed to wind down and watch “Full House” after a long day of work now? With a Crazy Horse?

Indie pop opinions

Hey brochachos. It was 3:30 p.m. in Portland and I just woke up.

I headed down to Stumptown Coffee to nab a double-shot cappuccino and then get my nose gauged. But before all of that, I had to peep the Twitter to see what the haps is.

“Hell yeah. Real Estate just released new B-sides for record store day!”

It was really hard to focus after getting so stoked, so I went to Casa Diablo, Portland’s premiere vegan strip club, and ate some falafel nuggets and drank PBR at about 4:45 p.m. While there, I began to peruse the “Village Voice,” only to find Deafheaven just announced a tour with Pallbearer.

Get. Out.

I left Diablo super wiped, and I needed to get my second round of coffee. While riding to Water Avenue Coffee Company on my unicycle, Gretchen, Burt, my beanie, got caught in the wind and my beard slapped me in the face, causing me to eat 100 percent organic soil. I just learned how to arm knit, though, so I whipped up another beanie that was seriously amazeballs.

I was almost late for work braiding my beard and reading about Wilco’s April Fool’s gag. Luckily, I caught a pedicab and made it on time, only to quit 15 minutes upon arrival because The Man wouldn’t let me take time off to see Damn the Witch Siren next weekend. What a jack wagon.

At least I now have more time to work on my Artisanal Knot Business, which is my band’s name. (The lineup is me on the harpsichord, Josh on the recorder and Reign Beau on the Peruvian flute. Our first gig is near the picnic tables at Laurelhurst Park.)

Also, here’s a flyer for my DJ night at Dante’s Sunday.

Oh God, I just listened to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah’s newest single on Pitchfork. Gag me with a spoon.

rrrrrrrrrrrrr — sorry my typewriter got stuck on “r” for a second. Until next time, kids.