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Satire: Serious questions for President Drake

I understand the state law allows open-carry — but I can’t reconcile you allowing a group of people on campus with guns when students themselves cannot have any guns, on campus, in any context or capacity. Explain?

What do I do as a student and instructor when I’m walking to the library to make copies and there is a large group of people with AK-47s?

Do you remember last week when one person was killed on campus, and it was by a gun?

Can we get an update on the victims of the knife attack? Or should we just take comfort knowing people are going to arm themselves to the teeth in our defense?

Who do I call when I feel unsafe because people have guns while I’m reading a book in the quad?

I ask because I called the University Police and it turns out they are escorting the gunmen and women. Who do they serve? Who do they protect?

What if the University Police suggest I’m having a mental-health issue rather than a personal safety issue?

Is it not mentally sound to be frightened when I am walking to a yoga class at the RPAC and, suddenly, GUNS?

If I see other people with guns, and I feel scared or threatened, should I just call a therapist?

Do you have the number for a good therapist?

Can I open carry my books or should I put them in my backpack?

Students are still very shaken from the violence of last Monday. What do they do if shaken from the implied violence of this Monday?

Do you have the number for a good therapist?

What should I tell students and peers of color, LGBT, immigrants and refugees, students of so many religions and beliefs and backgrounds, when they are victims of hate crimes on campus? Do I tell them, “Don’t worry, there are white people with guns everywhere”?

Is the NRA sponsoring the upgrade to the stadium?

Do I get a free gun upon graduating?

Do the gun people get a discount at Sloopy’s? What do they do with their guns when they are eating cheeseburgers? Do they lean them against a column? Do they want fries with that?

I’m scared, because of guns — can I get a note for an extension on my finals?

Did you know the people with guns are telling students “We are protecting you from the terrorists”?

Do you recognize terrorism when you see it, President Drake?


Waiting for answers,

Samantha Tucker
MFA in nonfiction


  1. Samantha,

    You say that you “understand the state law allows open-carry” but then ask why President Drake allowed a group of people to carry guns. Why do you want the law to make a special exception for you just because you feel scared or uncomfortable? You may have felt that you were in danger, but I promise that you were not.

    Also, that group notified the university days before they planned to be on campus. They didn’t have to, but they wanted people to be aware, they wanted to help people feel safe, and they did not want the police to be called for their law-abiding actions. Were you not aware they were going to be on campus? Were you not aware that the police were with them not only to protect the group, but to protect you?

    Are you aware that a gun saved many people’s lives last Monday?

  2. Concerned Student Too

    If you are arguing that perhaps this a good reason for campsuses to allow concealed carry your argument makes some sense. If that is not the case or it is the opposite, I would suggest you consider some perspective especially a week after fellow students were literally run over and stabbed on campus. You made it to your yoga class and so did everyone else, unlike the students on the 27th. Your efforts would be counterproductive to your own safety.

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