Ricky Mulvey and Seth Shanley are members of the Buckeye Standup Comedy Club and joke-loving columnists for The Lantern. Mulvey is a fourth-year in finance and Shanley is a second-year in journalism.
In a little over a month, the Undergraduate Student Government election will be in full swing. Get excited Ohio State: all of you will be pestered on The Oval, Twitter will stop being fun, and you might get catfished by political operatives on Tinder.
Last election, a conservative political action committee called Turning Point USA tried to pour money into the race in order to influence us into electing conservative candidates. They threw about $9,000 at the student council race. That money would have gone to items like t-shirts that say “Socialism Sucks!” However, they got caught before they could use the power of t-shirts to turn us into mini-Paul Ryans.
Throwing thousands of outside dollars into a student council election is a bold move. You have our attention, TPUSA.
However, Turning Point backed the wrong people. Past USG politicians have been weak. Strong boys, like us, deserve that money.
Our call for coin goes out to any political action committee. Whether you are in a right-wing PAC, fighting for a $15 minimum wage, or want to convince the right people to build a monorail around Ohio State, give us money and we will accomplish your political objectives by taking the 2018 USG election for your interests.
Think that’s impossible? Nicolas Cage stole the Declaration of Independence when he was 41, and we’re college students. At this rate, we could steal two Declarations of Independence and still have time to take a stupid student council race.
This column is willing to cut all political action committees a deal. You don’t need to spend $9,000 to win an election. We are reasonable. Give us $8,999 and, as political operatives, we will take any USG election, high school student council race, or church bake sale that you want.
Plus, we will use that money better than TPUSA ever dreamed — no stupid t-shirts. If you want to corrupt an election, you have to do it the old fashioned way: steak dinners, Cuban cigars, and envelopes filled with cash sent to Russian hackers.
Let’s say TPUSA/the Koch Brothers want to get rid of campus “safe spaces.” Give us $8,999 and all of Ohio State will be a danger zone. Sharp rocks and no speed limits. Sorry, liberal snowflakes.
Our request is simple: line our pockets by the time the USG race starts, and we will mop the floor with our opponents.