Home » Opinion » All Jokes Aside: Pay us off and we’ll corrupt this USG election however you want

All Jokes Aside: Pay us off and we’ll corrupt this USG election however you want

Ricky Mulvey (left) and Seth Shanley (right) take a self-portrait inside the Ohio Union. Credit: Courtesy of Ricky Mulvey

Ricky Mulvey and Seth Shanley are members of the Buckeye Standup Comedy Club and joke-loving columnists for The Lantern. Mulvey is a fourth-year in finance and Shanley is a second-year in journalism.

In a little over a month, the Undergraduate Student Government election will be in full swing. Get excited Ohio State: all of you will be pestered on The Oval, Twitter will stop being fun, and you might get catfished by political operatives on Tinder.

Last election, a conservative political action committee called Turning Point USA tried to pour money into the race in order to influence us into electing conservative candidates. They threw about $9,000 at the student council race. That money would have gone to items like t-shirts that say “Socialism Sucks!” However, they got caught before they could use the power of t-shirts to turn us into mini-Paul Ryans.

Throwing thousands of outside dollars into a student council election is a bold move. You have our attention, TPUSA.

However, Turning Point backed the wrong people. Past USG politicians have been weak. Strong boys, like us, deserve that money.

Our call for coin goes out to any political action committee.  Whether you are in a right-wing PAC, fighting for a $15 minimum wage, or want to convince the right people to build a monorail around Ohio State, give us money and we will accomplish your political objectives by taking the 2018 USG election for your interests.

Think that’s impossible? Nicolas Cage stole the Declaration of Independence when he was 41, and we’re college students. At this rate, we could steal two Declarations of Independence and still have time to take a stupid student council race.

This column is willing to cut all political action committees a deal. You don’t need to spend $9,000 to win an election. We are reasonable. Give us $8,999 and, as political operatives, we will take any USG election, high school student council race, or church bake sale that you want.

Plus, we will use that money better than TPUSA ever dreamed — no stupid t-shirts. If you want to corrupt an election, you have to do it the old fashioned way: steak dinners, Cuban cigars, and envelopes filled with cash sent to Russian hackers.

Let’s say TPUSA/the Koch Brothers want to get rid of campus “safe spaces.” Give us $8,999 and all of Ohio State will be a danger zone. Sharp rocks and no speed limits. Sorry, liberal snowflakes.

Our request is simple: line our pockets by the time the USG race starts, and we will mop the floor with our opponents.

This Thursday, January 18th, Seth and Ricky are opening for Kate Willett (Comedy Central, VICELAND) at Donatos Pizza on Frambes and High St.

7 comments

  1. Dr. Danny Weil, ESQ

    It looks like TPUSA has been gaining ground at Penn State, backed by a strange fellow named Aiden Mattis.

    Think he might be a white supremacist disguised as a libertarian?

    https://voat.co/v/Identitarian/1692846

    This is how these dogs run

  2. Dr. Danny Weil, ESQ

    Last one and hope to hear from you!

    https://thebaffler.com/the-poverty-of-theory/no-re-turning-point-u-s-a

    They work with David Horowitz, Ivan Throne an outright fascist. They have over 8 million to take elctions down at major universities. 227 professors are on the Professors Watch List that they run.

    They say they are a non profit 501 C3, but they are an outright political PAC with fascism, misosgyny and white supremacy as their monikers.

    They should be sued for violating federal law in regards to 501 C 3 organizations.

    I have their donor list. It is pages and pages.

    They are connected to right wing groups like the NRA. TPUSA women received NRA arms training. They are a very dangerous seed in an otherwise hostile right wing environment.

  3. Turning Point USA is a pro-Bannon alt-right youth group backed by billionaires who do not care about democracy. They are anti-feminist, racist, and ant-intellectual and they use dirty tricks to incite violence. Not only are they trying to rig student elections, they are trying to get legislation enacted that will guarantee hate speech on campus.

    https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/charlie-kirk-turning-point-usa-instigate-racial-conflict-dahn-shaulis/

  4. Dahn Shaulis, Ph.D.

    At Penn State University, the Turning Point USA presidentis working on state legislation that will guarantee hate speech.

    http://www.collegian.psu.edu/news/campus/article_5f50908c-022e-11e8-8abf-d73d75d78aed.html

    “…the bill’s provisions allow students or organizations on campus to file complaints against their institutions of higher learning in state court if they believe the institution has censored their legally protected speech. Legally actionable offenses include establishing free speech zones on campus, penalizing “hate speech,” charging prohibitively high security fees for events or banning student groups because of ideology. If the court finds the institution guilty, it has six years to change its policies before losing access to state funding.”

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