Home » Opinion » All Jokes Aside: High Street bar crackdown leaves students wondering when underage drinking became illegal

All Jokes Aside: High Street bar crackdown leaves students wondering when underage drinking became illegal

The main entrance arch of Bullwinkle’s. Credit: Lantern file photo

If Midway plays an aggressive dubstep remix of “Mr. Brightside” and no freshmen are around to hear it, did the DJ even make a sound?

Stroll down High Street on a weekend night and you will notice that fewer college students are hitting up the bars. The rest have been given underages. The Columbus Police Department has been shocked — absolutely shocked to find that students under 21 years old have been consuming alcohol at High Street bars. So CPD decided to make a change.

Some students complain this change is leaving fewer entertainment options on weekend nights. Really, it’s created a new freshman tradition: calling your father crying because you were arrested for an underage at Bullwinkle’s.

Big Bar, the 18-and-up club above a doughnut shop that was never cool enough for you, will soon be the cockroach that survives this nuclear fallout.

This crackdown has left Ohio State students wondering when underage drinking suddenly became illegal. Where are the documents that allow this crackdown? This is CPD unjustly attacking the local economy.

The crackdown is nothing but an assault on small businesses.

The street meat workers, the campus-bar entrepreneurs apathetic to underage drinking and the hard-working counterfeiter will all suffer financial backlash.

Going to bars is a right, not a privilege.

Having strangers constantly bumping into you while you shout to hear your friends is a defining feature of the college experience.

Attacking local discotheques like Bullwinkle’s and Midway not only affects the students who are too young to be there, but also the creepy adult men who are too old to be trying to pick up the underage girls.

This is an essential dynamic to the campus bar economy. Without it, these bars will likely close.

The bar crackdown pushes college drinking out of the public eye and into the safe and watchful wombs of house parties, dorm rooms and communions.

Drinking in college is better when you consume alcohol while quietly watching intense, sweaty men play beer pong. But do not count on house parties staying untouched for long.

Off-campus houses need to be demolished for more luxury apartments.

This crackdown comes with a brightside. Once all campus bars have been shut down, Ohio State will have more room for chain restaurants, parking garages and, if we are lucky, another Verizon Wireless store.

10 comments

  1. Very well written. This is a very brave movement that’s sure to stop this national epidemic. I’m glad we have no other issues in our city to focus on.

  2. lmao lantern > the onion

  3. Bring back Mustard’s

  4. Write some facts rather than your opinion. Luxury apartments instead of houses? Sounds affordable.

  5. I’m screaming this article should be published in the New York Times. These writers have a very bright future

  6. THE Ohio State University is in the City of Columbus, Franklin County, and the state of Ohio and is subject to the laws, rules, and regulations of all 3 governmental bodies plus Ohio State and the Feds. OSU is not an island where the students can make up their own rules to suit whatever they want. So as much as you might want to have a beer or drink you need to wait until you’re 21. As a former CPD officer the officers are doing a job, their job, if you don’t like it you have options, use them. Think about it.

    • I agreetotally! I was harassed and banned from a parents Facebook page for stating what you just did. Unfortunately, there are plenty of parents who turn a blind eye to underage drinking. I guess until there kid goes to jail.

  7. They have all missed the great days of the South & North Bergs, drinking beer and smoking Lucky Strikes while watching Batman on TV.
    Those were the days ,no CPD around.

  8. The Detroit News news stand price is $2.00 for the Sunday edition.The Columbus Dispatch rakes in $5.00 for same.A miracle.Kudos to the News and to the Dispatch for extracting that extra three bucks.I’m rolling.
    I paid $606.00 for a 12 month/7 day subscription billed at irregular intervals to my card.
    The current special price for new subscribers is $262.00 per annum.These people are true operators and have you coming and going.

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