My fellows Americans, I’m writing this column for the purpose of announcing my candidacy for the United States Senate. I figure by the time I’m old enough to run, I’ll be even more tired of this crap than I am now. Between Paula Jones and Newt Gingrich politics is beginning to annoy me.Let me begin with the speaker. Why did they re-elect this idiot? Not only did he not even come close to completing the ‘contract with America’ (which I never signed), but he alienated just about everybody in the country. To top it off, Gingrich, more than anybody else, is responsible for President Clinton’s re-election. Although considering the alternative, maybe I should send him a thank you letter. All month long Gingrich supporters have been preaching to Republicans who planned to vote against him that they owed Gingrich their vote. Voting against him was not only disloyal to Gingrich, but to the Republican Party. What a load of crap. First of all, a representatives’ loyalty should be to the voters in their district. REMEMBER US? We are the reason you are there. You are not there to see how many headlines you can make, or to make friends, or to boost your ego (that is what writing a column is for). Newt Gingrich represents the worst in the Republican Party, and that’s pretty bad. He has put his own interests over those of his party and more importantly over the American people’s interests. The people which he talks so patriotically about working for. Just in case any of you bible toting young Republicans were thinking of coming after me with your assault rifles, I’m going to move on to your friends the Democrats.Before I rip into the Paula Jones case, I want everybody to know that I have no idea what happened that night. That said, what is with the President? The fact that I’m not sure whether the President of the United States sexually harassed Paula Jones isn’t scary enough. Granted, he wasn’t the President then, but still he could have harassed a model or a cheerleader. At least JFK had Marilyn Monroe.The other disappointing aspect of this case is the lack of support Ms. Jones has received from women’s groups around the country. As I recall, during Long-Dong Silver-Gate, Anita Hill had everyone from National Organization for Women to Mothers Against Drunk Driving backing her up. It seems to me these cases are very similar, except in two aspects. First, Anita Hill was the poster child for sexual harassment in the workplace, Paula Jones looks a lot more like the girl in the cosmetology catalog for the local vocational school. The other difference between this case and the Hill case is the balance of power. Hill, a Democrat, accused Thomas, a Republican, in front of a Democratic congress. While I’m not sure of Ms. Jones’ political views, it seems all of the other players in the case have flipped-flopped parties. It looks like to me that NOW is more interested in kissing up to Clinton, than in helping their sister. Quite simply, either because of her social class or for political reasons, Paula Jones has been abandoned. What do I plan to do about the mess the government has become? What any red-blooded American would do: join in the fun. I have no high aspirations for changing the way the government operates. So if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. In 2010 I’m running for the Senate. I plan to run on such ground breaking issues as; education (for it), crime (against it), poverty (against it) and my most radical stance WORLD PEACE!! (for it). Please start sending your campaign contributions now. It’s not cheap buying your way into government these days.
Justin Hollander is a freshman majoring in marketing from Dayton Ohio. After college he plans to move to San Francisco to become a lounge singer and star in “The Graduate, Part 2”.
