There are things all of us know, but don’t want to admit, even to ourselves. Most of the time it’s just little things. Things you notice on urinals, or things that keep appearing in the Commons food, or why the guy across the hall always has his door shut. These little things are disturbing – perhaps even scary. Fortunately, most of the time they aren’t that important. But we’re not going to talk about little things. We’re going to talk big. We might not want to face up to it, but we all know – especially you ladies – that bigger is better.Yup. It’s definitely true. Large is good. Big is better. And huge is well, ouch. Big Al has a big one, but he still wishes it were larger. Harmon K’s isn’t that big, and it’s been hurting his social life. Whenever they go out on the town, Big Al always gets more attention. People are just spontaneously attracted to largeness. Perhaps it’s the Id subconsciously groping to join with some larger force. But let’s not tarry on psychological mumbo-jumbo – we’ve got a point or two to make. Harmon K. has to abide with a small one; he’s aware that’s just how the cards fall. It’s something he’s got little control over. But deep down he still envies the bigger piece. Ladies admire a man with a big one. Oh come on, admit it girls – a large one has a much greater capacity to satisfy than a little one. And girls talk. And girls often talk about how bigger is better. Word gets around that he “has a big one” or “his is not even worth talking about.” You can’t escape once you’ve had a reputation like that pinned on you. For those people who haven’t seen you, word-of-mouth will invariably determine how gals think of you, whether they find you attractive, and if they want to get it on.Guys sometimes like to brag about having a bigger one. But they better be ready to prove those claims. Otherwise it’s just bravado and posturing. The truth of the matter is that not everybody can have a big one. Some people have to have the little ones. That’s just the way they’re made. You know somebody has to be lying when everybody brags about its size. Big Al and Harmon K. say that we should just be comfortable with what we’ve got, because – barring a large cash outlay for an trendily enlarged one – there’s nothing we can do about it. And don’t drop it in cold water, because shrinkage inevitably follows.While there’s nothing inherently wrong with sporting a small one, it just doesn’t look as good in proportion to the body as when the gentleman has a big one. You’ve seen pictures of hunks in magazines and on the internet – commercials invariably show buff men with big accessories. Bigger is not only better, it’s also more profitable.Look at pimps. They always have big ones, at least in the popular imagination. Its size is absolutely essential to the control they exercise over their working girls. What girl would want to work for a pimp with a puny one? It’s the single most important attribute a pimp can possess. Look at cowboys. Admittedly, our society has romanticized the ideal of these rough ‘n’ ready pioneers who opened up virgin country and worked cattle day and night. But if you ask a person on the street to describe a cowboy, they’ll be sure to mention how big his is. Since the tobacco industry wants you to believe smoking is sexy, the size of the Marlboro Man’s – shown in tight jeans and spurs – is pretty self-evident. Look at frat boys and their admirers. These campus residents, to whom image is everything, obsess constantly about the size of it. They often try to get people drunk so that – with compromised spatial perception – girls might be fooled into thinking it’s much bigger than it is. They too will tell you bigger is better. Some of them spend hours rolling it in their hands, trying to change its shape and size. The effort always fails.Bigger really is better. Harmon K. has an inferiority complex because his isn’t big. And why do you think they call Big Al “BIG AL?” The truth may hurt sometimes, but it’s important to accept what you have, wear it with pride, and put it to good service. That’s what it’s there for.Talking about hats.
Harmon K. is a senior zoology/history major. Big Al is a sophomore women’s studies major. They are from Upper Arlington and claim to possess a 1985 Lincoln Town Car. Perhaps trying to compensate for something.