Ask any guy if the saleswoman who helped him pick out his clothes was flirting with him, and he’ll tell you she was all over him. To an untrained eye this may seem like a perfectly common event. Girl likes guy. Girl helps guy look better. Guy gets date. Everyone wins. He has a date for the weekend, and she’s sure he won’t show up dressed to play flag football behind the restaurant. Sadly, for all the times I’ve been helped by a saleswoman, I’ve never landed the infamous date or phone number. Like the Holy Grail, it’s a quest that seems to have eluded not only me, but most of the male population.

Having thought about why it seems other guys always have the luck, I decided to ask the only woman I know who’d tell me the truth behind the vast conspiracy of saleswoman flirtation. Knowing she was a saleswoman and inevitably had flaunted her goods on some unsuspecting shopper at least once before, I asked her point-blank, “Why do salesgirls always flirt with me while I’m buying clothes but never show any interest afterwards?”

Through her hysterical laughter I managed to translate a few words from her hyena garble and what I found surprised me. She said, “You’re an idiot… She’s not flirting with you… She flirts for commission.” I was shocked to find out it was never me the women wanted, but the commission from my new shirts.

Immediately I went home, looked through my clothes and found they were so horribly mismatched that Derek Zoolander would’ve had a seizure cursing my name if he were to see them. I had been tricked by the most powerful of enemies – my libido and a brunette named Heather.

Keeping up with the trends of throw-back jerseys and retro shirts is a daunting task, even for the cast of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” But I thought if I was ever to succeed in wooing Heather or maybe the Olsen twins, I’d have to learn how to tell the saleswoman my best friends, Benjamin and Lincoln, thought she was a vulture.

Not wanting anyone else to fall prey to the mistake of bad judgment I devised a sure- fire method for whom not to trust when shopping for new clothes.

1. The saleswoman: Behind that smile and “hello” lies a dangerous siren ready to pounce on any man dumb enough to wander through her store unprepared. If an encounter is impossible to avoid, it is best to stop and slowly back away, making no gesture for your wallet.

2. Your mom: She’s a great woman, and she makes the best chicken-and-stars soup that’s ever come out of a can. But to her you’ll always be a little boy. Just remind yourself she thinks you’re charming no matter what you do.

3. Your girlfriend: Unless you want to start wearing what her ex-boyfriend wore or want to be a boy-band knock off, dump the girl and tell her you went drinking with the guys. Her being angry with you for one day is better than causing traffic accidents when walking down the street.

4. Your best friend: It’s an unwritten rule that if a guy likes a girl so does one of his friends. What better way to stack the odds in his favor than for him to say, “You look good in a cameo shirt and hot pink bikers shorts.”

The only person you can trust is yourself. Even if everyone else thinks you’re wrong it’s still your choice in any matter. Everyone knows what they like and dislike but not everyone can share their opinions without feeling the need to ask permission. The cliché “Don’t judge a book by its cover” is a perfect way of saying, “Don’t ask for advice simply to ask.” In my case the minor setback of a few hideous shirts and an ego-crushing realization that I’m not as popular as I thought is a small price to pay for learning how to trust myself and not rely on someone else’s opinion.

The only advice I can give to those who haven’t yet learned to trust themselves is to always bring a wingman and offer him to the Jezebel in aisle four. If he makes it out alive, remind him he looks good in the biker shorts.

David Cross is a junior in journalism. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].