Wherever you go you will see packs of males willing to sacrifice one of their own to attract a mate. This one, lone male takes on the roll of the wingman. A position that is both respected and hated. A double-edged sword of support and humility.
To put it short, the wingman will never be “the man” or a “player” but he is “the man’s man” – the person responsible for being the infrastructure for their friend’s love life. Think of him as the man pulling the strings.
To be a wingman for a friend is one of the highest honors given by men, an honor that usually leads to the wingman spending his hard earned money on a bachelor party because they have been chosen to be the best man.
Sadly for me I am going to the way of the radio star. I am an ineffective wingman. At times I believe I am the anti-Christ of wingmen – the missile that shoots down dates.
For the last three-and-a-half years I have attempted, though poorly, to aid one of my friends in his ever-present quest to find a girlfriend that isn’t nuttier than an Almond Joy, and I can honestly say I have failed on many levels.
Part of this might be because my friend isn’t entirely dateable. Sure he’s rough around the edges, but as a person who takes pride in his work this shouldn’t matter. I believe it is my duty as his wingman to steer him through the cumbersome first moments of meeting someone new, where saying the wrong thing like “Gee, do you like Sugar Ray too?” could lead to watching late night soft-core porn – with roommates.
Nearly every man has stories of biting the bullet and going on a double date with a women they have no interest in. This is done so the friend can learn about what makes his heartthrob tick and so at the end of the date the wingman can confirm if the date went well or not. To be honest this is not an urban legend. It is true. Wingmen are like spies – very skilled, very precise, very not me.
I blame much of my wingman inability on several things. One of these is my lack of knowledge about women.
Where are you women? Why do you think clunky leather boots are cute? Do you have a secret list of signs used to bring runners home? What is the purpose of a poncho? If you wear a poncho, ugly boots and a mini skirt are you fashionably hip? Men just don’t know, and as a wingman I’m supposed to.
So as of this moment, I am redoubling my effort to be the ideal wingman. I will think of every drink thrown in what I like to call “the pilot’s” face as the equivalent of taking a five credit hour course here at Ohio State.
I am starting Wingman 101 and memorizing the two most widely used wingman tricks in the book, the “One-Two Punch” and the “Down Grader.”
The “One-Two Punch” combo is when a guy introduces his friend with a funny story something along the lines of “this guy once drove 30 miles to find roses for one of ex-girlfriends on her birthday,” followed by a “she didn’t deserve him.”
For the more experienced – or the apathetic – there is the “Down Grader.” Simply put, the wingman makes himself look worse than he really is by telling either made up stories about himself or his friends stories claiming them as his own. This works by making the wingman look like a yapping horn ball, while the friend looks like a knight in shining armor.
For all of you on thefacebook.com, I’ve started a club dedicated to us: the few, the proud, the dateless. “The Wingmen in Training” are there for you to help share your stories of how nothing goes right and the secret tips on how to make someone with the personality of vacuum salesmen look like Prince William.
David Cross is an elite artist who thinks he is better than you. Tell him he’s not at [email protected].
