Donald Trump’s show has been picked up for a second television season. For those who haven’t seen NBC’s latest permutation of the reality television craze, “The Apprentice” puts young business types through various entrepreneurial challenges in an effort to find out who has the survival skills necessary for the cutthroat world of business.
The dismissal portion of the show includes humorously cruel remarks for all, and – for the unfortunate castaway – Trump’s witty trademark phrase, “You’re fired.”
Like many reality shows, “The Apprentice” begins with many characters and ends up with only one remaining as the winner. It sounds a lot like a show I’ve seen on CNN called, “The Democratic Primaries and Caucuses.” So why not combine the two into one media extravaganza?
Of course, with several primaries and caucuses already behind us, Trump would have to get rid of several candidates in the first episode. Here’s an excerpt from the first episode’s script:
Trump: Folks, I’ve gathered everyone here to make some tough decisions. I know that all of you want to be the next President, but there’s only one chair in the Oval Office. While I realize you, Congressman Kucinich, are small enough to fit under the desk, your chances of winning this thing are slimmer than a super model after a week on a carrot juice diet. You’re fired. Congressman Gephardt, you’ve been trying to win the White House for ages. You’ve got some good ideas and labor loves you, but my friend, you just don’t show up very well on television. Get a tan. You’re fired.
Reverend Sharpton, you made things interesting in the South Carolina primary, and you’re a great speaker, but I’ve also seen you in pictures with Michael Jackson – a man who has flown over the cuckoo’s nest one too many times in my book. Guilty by association – you’re fired.
Joe Lieberman: Mr. Trump, if I might get a word in here?
Trump: No, Senator Lieberman, you may not. In fact, I believe you have the most annoying voice and the most depressing demeanor in all of politics. You claimed to have finished tied for third in New Hampshire when you obviously finished a distant fifth, and your desperate attempt to make people believe in “Joe-mentum” was utterly pathetic. You’re fired. General Clark, do you have anything to say for yourself?
Wesley Clark: Well, Mr. Trump, I’d like to remind you that I was once the Supreme Commander of NATO, and that I’ve had to make some really tough choices in my career as a military man. I think that makes me ready for the Presidency.
Trump: Interesting, general. So why is it that you can’t take a clear stand on issues like abortion? And why the heck did you let Michael Moore call George Bush a deserter at one of your campaign rallies without comment? You’re well-qualified for the job on paper, but you need to work on your political ties. Most people don’t look to Madonna for political advice. You’re fired.
And then there were three.
Trump: Senator Edwards, Dr. Dean, it seems that Senator Kerry has a commanding lead in the quest for the nomination. He’s a military hero with plenty of political experience, and I would give my left foot for a head of hair that great. Why shouldn’t I fire both of you right now?
Howard Dean: Look, if I could take back the scream, I would. If I could smile like a normal person, I would do that too. But I can’t, so I hope the American people will accept that and vote for an angry dude who wants to overhaul the system.
John Edwards: I’m a hard worker, and I genuinely care about all Americans. I also look like a distant Kennedy relative. I know the race is almost over. But if I quit now, who’s going to teach John Kerry how to say “y’all” in November?
Tune in for the dramatic conclusion this fall.
Michael Huge is a graduate student in journalism and communication. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].
