Let’s say you’re at one of the local establishments this weekend and you happen to run into some fans from that state up north (you’ll be able to spot them from everyone else because they’ll swagger up to the bar and order an ice cold Old Milwaukee). If they happen to run their mouths about past games or start running down the students, alumni and fans of our great institution, here is our guide for some quick comebacks.First, start with their esteemed alumni or past athletic personnel. Remind them that the Unabomber Ted Kaczynski perfected his craft of building package bombs in the hallowed halls of the University of Michigan. Bring up token President Gerald Ford. The only president to wear the Med-Alert device because he has fallen so many times. Then move on to Gary (Can I get you another drink) Moeller. From the harassment of the waitress to the screaming at the police, Moeller showed his true colors-maize and blue. That episode proved he couldn’t hold his liquor, as well as the lead against Notre Dame.Feel free to bring up old players such as Walter Smith. You know him, the guy who said he wanted to keep beating Ohio State until Cooper was fired before the 1994 game. Not a smart move Walt, seeing as you were hurt and didn’t play a down in that game. Then comes the news straight out of Ann Arbor this week. Defensive back Chuck Wintersis accused of beating his ex-stepfather with a baseball bat so badly that he is listed in critical condition in a Detroit hospital. Nice, Chuck. I’m sure the Michigan baseball program needs another big stick in the lineup, but this is ridiculous. Needless to say, he won’t be making the trip to Columbus.But the best player to rail on has to be Brian (Gee, my dad got me a scholarship) Griese. From his bar room brawls, to his excellent pooch-punting, this guy is a treat. Maybe if he would have followed in his dad’s footsteps and gone to Purdue, the Wolverines might have got a win on the Boilers. Have you ever noticed how quiet it gets when Bob has to do play by play with his son at the helm of the mighty Michigan offense?We have jokes to help you, too.- What do you get when you have a room of Wolverine sorority sisters? Answer: A full set of teeth. -What did the Michigan alum say to the Ohio State alum? Answer: Do you want fries with that Big Mac, sir?-Do you know what you say to a Michigan football player in a three-piece suit? Answer: Will the defendant please rise.-You can’t spell scum, without UM!When in doubt, don’t panic. Ask the fan to send you a postcard from the Wolverines’ bowl game in San Antonio or from grande El Paso. Talk about how their senior class won’t be getting to the Rose Bowl. Make fun of their pitiful band and the way they still have to march with the music on their instruments. So make this weekend a special one. Have fun with the poor folks from up north while you can. After the game, you won’t be able to find them as they all head back to their miserable state to sulk for another year. Good riddance to bad rubbish! OHIO STATE 35, MICHIGAN 13.
Justin Sparks and Tony Marusic are seniors majoring in journalism. They both delight in offending the other teams’ fans.
