I have a confession to make: I used to watch ‘90210’ every week. Yes, even in Australia, ‘90210’ has an avid viewing audience.Actually, I should say ‘had’ – as the characters grew older they used up every possible and improbable plot, and are now recycling.I gave up watching ‘90210’ about two years ago – I finally realized that I was watching it out of habit, not because I actually enjoyed the show.When walking through my dorm, I noticed a pair of students getting very excited about some TV show. I discovered that ‘90210’ was just starting, and I was suddenly so curious – what had happened to Brandon since he lost the sideburns? Who had taken over Dylan’s role as bad boy/hunk? How many different shades of peroxide blonde had Kelly dyed her hair? Had Steve ever got it together? Was Valerie still the resident bad girl/idiot/lover?I found myself sitting down on the couch, a victim of what has become known as ‘Spelling disease,’ a ghastly condition which leaves the viewer glued to the tube, despite a distinct lack of interest in the show.Severe cases are marked by excessive videotaping, purchasing television soundtrack cd’s and traveling to Beverly Hills just to check whether ‘Melrose Place’ really exists.For those who also weaned themselves off the show a year or so ago, I’ll break the news: not much has happened.Kelly is going single, again. Claire and Steve are well suited due to their stupidity, and Brandon is still a sanctimonious annoyance. Donna has had so many horrid hairstyles, that she’s now decided to revert to a color similar to her original one, mousy brown. Oh, and she still can’t decide if she loves David – arrrrrggggghhhh!About two years ago, I was jolted by a thought (yes, this is rare during ‘90210’): this show is ridiculously laughable! How did they hook me in to watching for so long? And I’m one of those people who never watches any other soap operas!In high school, I would watch ‘The Bold and the Beautiful’ and ‘Santa Barbara’ once a year, just making sure that nothing had really gone on, despite an entire year of plots. That the same baddies were up to their tricks, and the goodies were dead, in jail, or finding out that they were actually the daughters of their mother’s brother’s nephew, and had an illegitimate son, who will probably be kidnapped the next season.Hey, ever notice the absence of married couples on soaps? ‘90210’ shipped off their first married couple (wasn’t it to Idaho?), sent the Walshs to Hong Kong, and killed off Dylan’s wife before the honeymoon was over.I’ve also observed a definite lack of supermarket and drug store scenes. What could be better than the lead characters finding themselves lost in the canned spaghetti aisle, or panicking at the sight of so many toilet tissue options?Where are the scenes where characters actually work? Have you noticed how characters are shown in their workplace, but only as they discover horrible news over the phone, or are handed a mysterious package, or are leaving for a glamorous business lunch? I demand that soap characters be shown doing paperwork, photocopying, making coffee. Even paper clipping two documents together would be a start!’Party of Five,’ in comparison, is real drama, not soap: the actors actually act, the issues are slightly real, and the plots are occasionally believable (something not present in soap operas).I have to break the news, I have come to the conclusion that ‘Spelling disease’ is indeed alive and well, and that it is spreading – an article I read mentioned that he has yet another new show – will we survive?

Louise Bettison is a senior majoring in journalism, from Perth, Australia. She promises all those ‘Spelling disease’ victims that there is hope, and that the remote control can be used to alleviate symptoms.