Sure, you’ve seen them at the zoo. You might have read about them in an ecology or American history class. I’m talking about the buffalo, and their balls in particular. Have you ever watched a herd of them and thought, “I wonder what their balls taste like?”
If you have, read on, for I have traveled to Kelly’s Deli, I have eaten their buffalo balls, and I have (barely) lived to tell the tale. Kelly’s Deli, located at 15 E. Frambes Ave., offers — with few exceptions — a very wide menu of over-priced, low-quality cuisine.
Kelly’s Deli is non-smoking and non-compliant with the American With Disabilities Act. At least I can offer my disabled readers this solace: You aren’t missing much. Kelly’s had a dingy, dirty floor, though the tables and food preparation areas were all up to par. My small-bladder readers might want to remember that Kelly’s has no rest room facilities.
It was with a mixture of relief and disappointment that I learned that Kelly’s was out of the supplies to make their seafood sub. Our orders took, on average, longer than 10 minutes from start to finish, which is twice as long as anyone should expect to wait for a sub and balls, buffalo or otherwise.
Rarely is the beverage offering worth noting, but Kelly’s had a few serious problems. They offer only a scant collection of Pepsi products and no water. They also allegedly sell milkshakes; again these were unavailable when we visited.
Kelly’s offers up more fried meat than the Texas death row. One of my co-masticators, Frank, tried the deep-fried buffalo shrimp and had this to say: “These shrimp took them forever to make and came out tasting and looking like bland, soggy Chee-tos.”
Quinn ordered the deep-fried, batter-dipped mushrooms with more success. He commented, “The mushrooms were the best I’ve had. You get a decent size for $2.99. I highly recommend them.” I tried them and have to agree, though be warned, they arrive brimming with boiling-hot mushroom juice. Give them a second to cool down or suffer the wretched burnt-roof-of-mouth malady afflicting so many food critics today.
The mozzarella cheese sticks were similarly hot and delicious. In fact, I’d set these cheese sticks up against any sit down restaurant in terms of quality and their $2.99 price tag.
Stay away from buffalo anything here at Kelly’s. The buffalo sauce is weak, oily and wholly unappetizing. Like Republicans, its sole mission must be to ruin any and all things it comes into contact with. The buffalo balls were yet another instance of a humorous name trying to make up for bad food.
Drenched in the aforementioned abomination of buffalo seasoning, these soggy meatballs are hands-down the worst things I’ve eaten in months. I’d rather snort cold Spaghettio’s, no joke.
Our group also sampled some of Kelly’s sandwiches. Frank tried the hot meatball sub with green peppers, onions and Swiss cheese. He comments, “Hot was a definite misnomer. It was as cold as the night outside.” Beyond the unsavory temperature, the sandwich appeared to be a little above average. Just make sure they keep yours in the microwave a little longer.
April tried the cold tuna sub with pickles, hot peppers, tomatoes, onion, olives and lettuce. The tuna salad is a really creamy mix of tuna, celery, olives, blah and red peppers. “There`s not many veggies or much tuna in this. I don’t ask much, I just want my $2.80 worth,” April explained.
Quinn tried the gyro and had sad news to report. “It’s a bit bland with your typical fake gyro (tzatziki) sauce. Not much meat here either. Go to Zeta’s on High Street.” It’s true. Platonically speaking, Zeta’s gyro partakes fully of the “Form of the Gyro” while Kelly’s is just a pathetic abstraction.
Nishanta’s cheese steak was a light in the darkness of the sandwich menu. “This is one of the best cheese steaks I’ve ever had. They prepared it very quickly, and it has a taste that any Philly resident will approve of.”
Gavin had the hamburger and compares it unfavorably to BW3’s hamburger. It’s a 1/3 lb. of beef w/ shredded iceberg lettuce on an oversized roll.
To wrap it up, Kelly’s Deli offers up some food barring the couple winners I noted above. I’d like to thank all the people who responded to my quiz last week and, as promised, here are some of my responses. I asked the question. “Why do White Castle hamburgers have five holes punched in them?”
Jim A. was the first of three people to tell me that five is the exact number of bullets it takes to kill the rat. Mike C. fills us in with a much less likely reason. “The five holes serve a practical purpose. Given that the burgers are steamed, rather than fried, the five holes allow the heat and steam to circulate and better cook the product without drying it out.” Now who`s gonna believe that?
Hank Mylander is a junior from Westerville majoring in management information systems. He presently holds cooking degrees from many prestigious culinary art schools. Actually that`s a lie. Thanks for reading my bio line anyway. The masticator can be reached at [email protected].
