Go home and ask your parents where they were when JFK got shot. Ask your grandparents where they were when the nuclear bomb was dropped. Ask yourself if you remember what you were doing when Bush defeated Gore, 271-266. All important questions, indeed.

Now, was it in Denney Hall? Or did it go down in your dorm room? Perhaps it was in the Oval, maybe wearing a bikini. Wherever it was, you remember the first time you laid your eyes on the pulsating poetic political platitudes known as a Dave O’Neil column. And for the hours you’ve spent reading, waiting for and enjoying an O’Neil, I am owed your praise. You can go cue up the Fatboy Slim tune if you’d like.

But the time has come on this morning to offer some praise of my own. The waiting is over. It is time for the first annual O’Neil Fifth Digit Awards to be announced (I think the thumb is known as the Fifth Digit.). Known as the OFDA, the OFDA award ceremony was “OFDA” hook. I will now announce the winners.

September

Thumbs up: Freshmen girls. As if by an act of God, my sister was a freshman at OSU in September of 2000. After a couple years out of loop, I once again was reminded of how sweet these young cherubs truly are.

Thumbs down: Freshmen guys. Independent studies have shown these poor souls are the most likely to own a “Cocks” hat, wear too much cologne or have the number 69 or 420 in their AOL Instant Messenger name.

October

Thumbs up: George W. Bush. At the beginning of the month he trailed Al Gore by five percentage points in the polls. After the debates, in which he was supposed to be “so stupid” he pulled even with the Great Goresby. He eventually became our 43rd president.

Thumbs down: Albert Gore Jr. His own hardass insistence that he have many debates with now-President Bush cost him the election. Oh yeah, Alberto, your makeup was as scary as Tammy Faye’s.

November

Thumbs up: States where people talk with a southern accent. No longer does the South have only the nation’s best looking females, it now also holds the most knowledgeable voters (excluding Palm Beach county). Pat Buchanan and elderly Jewish women came in a close second and third, respectively.

Thumbs down: The Northeastern United States (excluding New Hampshire). The elite-know-it-all-pseudo-intellectuals of the eastern seaboard can go stick their collective heads in a pile of sand. If you don’t know the people I’m talking about, just think about how annoying both your commie-history professor and Barbra Streisand are.

December

Thumbs up: Santa Claus. Well, I mean, if you throw a wig on William Rehnquist, he could probably pass for Santa Claus.

Thumbs down: The Florida Supreme Court. I would imagine those political hacks are still devising a way to steal the election for former-Vice President Snore.

January

Thumbs up: Jim Tressel and George W. Bush. Two fine registered Republicans were inaugurated to lead two storied programs. We can only hope that Coach Tressel fares better in Michigan this November than President Bush did last November. (Hopefully Union thugs won’t be given the day off to suit up for the Wolverines.)

Thumbs down: Bill Clinton. The damage this guy did to our country will take years to undo. Much like the damage Joe Montana did to the broadcast profession. Man, his intellect really says a lot about the quality of a Notre Dame education.

February

Thumbs up: Heat. No, not the movie starring Val Kilmer. I’m talking about the heat that was used at numerous campus locales on Thursday nights to allow girls to wear next-to-nothing while outside temperatures sank to 40 below zero.

Thumbs down: Survivor 2. I was a fan of the first series, and will watch the third series, but the second installment always left me wanting more. And by more I mean Colleen Haskell.

March

Thumbs up: The Tournament. The late-night card tournaments on ESPN always kept me up at night. Rumor has it they will return this summer. (At press time though, the card games are thought to be canceled.)

Thumbs down: The Tournament. Utah State beat us? Are “Utah” kidding me??

April

Thumbs up: Chief Wahoo . It’s good to see a smiling Chief Wahoo every spring. It’s better to know that political correctness hasn’t overrun baseball just yet.

Thumbs down: Riots. They’ll probably repeat the distinction in September, October and/or November 2001.

May

Thumbs up: Good Weather. I live on Frambes. To get to the Journalism Building on 18th I’d walk down High to 15th, cross the street, walk through the Oval to the Main Library and then down Neil to the corner of 18th and Neil, my destination. Shortcuts like that came along with sunny May afternoons.

Thumbs down: Classes. Much like Karl Marx, I truly believe it is a class struggle. How could anyone be expected to go when it’s 80 and sunny?

I’d stack up on some tissues for this summer, for Mr. O’Neil will not be on the opinion page until the final days of September. Until then, you’re welcome.

Dave O’Neil is a non-graduating senior in journalism whose columns for you will still be strong, after the boys of summer have gone. The boys of summer are not to be confused with the ’86 Boys on West 8th.