Hey Internet users – I have a message for you.
Do NOT “Facebook” me!
Yes, you read that correctly. I, Adam Jardy, am publicly announcing that I do not desire to be facebooked. I do not wish to be poked, stalked or networked out to other students either here or at other schools.
For the life of me, I cannot figure out why this Web site is catching on across the country. Here is what I understand about Facebook:
It is a way for students to connect with other students through the portal of the Internet. To get the interest of another member, you “poke” them. If they like you, they “poke” you back. Then you go make babies.
Or something like that. The exact process is a mystery for me, and shall remain so as long as I have breath in my lungs.
Have you heard of “single-serving” friends? A friend of mine used this term to describe friends people make out of convenience that only last for a short amount of time. Hence the term “single-serving.” Get it?
Then we went outside and beat each other to a bloody pulp in front of the dumpsters behind Larry’s.
But as I nursed my wounds the next day (feeling strangely alive) I started thinking about the words of my friend. “Friends out of convenience?” Does this concept truly exist, and if so, how do I make said friendships?
Then it hit me like sack of processed meat right across the temple. If I only wanted friends to be around when the time was convenient I would have to control their access to me. The best way to do this was, obviously, through the Internet.
And Facebook became reality. When a person’s only contact with other people is through the Internet, they can be far more selective about whom they decide to talk to and when they do so. You don’t have to answer a phone or meet them at specific places and times: You just leave messages for them, when you want, from the privacy of your home via the Internet.
But that’s not all! For those of us too shy to speak in person to a specific, special someone, Facebook can be used for a more nefarious reason: Stalking.
Through the magic of Facebook young Romeos across campus can keep tabs on their Juliet without going through the tedious process of making human contact.
For those users who can wish to appear aloof, the option of waiting a day or two to respond to a “poke” can make them appear hard-to-get. I hear the ladies like a challenge.
But I am drawing a line in the sand. I am refusing to add myself to this online simulation of the real, hands-on dating environment we live in.
I can hear the replies already. “So what? Do you honestly think anyone would want to add you to their group anyway?”
Touché, Facebooker. Perhaps this is just sour grapes because no one “pokes” me. Maybe I’m that person on the outside who wants an invitation to join the club so badly that he will say bad things about it to anyone who will listen. Or perhaps I’m just not cool enough to be a part of the Facebook community.
I refuse to lower myself enough to answer these questions to you “single-serving” friend-seekers. I will stick to my real-world interactions rather than relying on these online cliques to feel accepted.
Besides, that will all change when Project Mayhem hits the streets.
The first rule of contacting Lantern editor Adam Jardy via e-mail at [email protected] is that you do not contact Lantern editor Adam Jardy via e-mail at [email protected].
