Hold on to your underpants folks! No, seriously, cover them up or you could be out $50.
In an obvious moment of using our government’s time and money wisely, Virginia’s House of Delegates actually passed a bill last Tuesday authorizing a $50 fine for anyone who displays his or her underpants in a “lewd or indecent manner.” And, they did this with a straight face.
Ok, I’m not exceedingly hip. You’re not going to see me decked out in the latest fly fashion and you probably don’t want to hear me try to attach an “izzle” to the end of anything. So I admit, I don’t really get the whole pants-hanging-half-way-down-by-backside-to-show-off-my-jockeys trend.
To be honest, I don’t think I have underpants that I would want to show off, but to try and outlaw this fashion statement is just ridiculous. Did these lawmakers really think this through? Who exactly will be in charge of “derrière inspection?” What happens if you are fined several times? Is there a “three strikes” rule – three times and you lose your underwear? Who will be held responsible on the school playground when uderpants are exposed following the unfortunate “atomic wedgie,” the victim or the criminal? And what does this mean for our American plumbers? Will they be subject to unfair fines and discriminations or are they exempt because of the nature of their job and the fact that they usually don’t have to worry about the underwear so much as an entire wholesome bare moon.
As silly as this “underwear patrol” may seem, we really need to take a moment and think about what this kind of mentality of our government is saying about the state of our nation. Democrat delegate Algie T. Howell who proposed the bill said, “To vote for this bill would be a vote for character, to uplift your community and to do something good not only for the state of Virginia, but for this entire country.” Well, I personally feel that passing a law like this would be a symbolic vote for the loss of our character and a first step towards the destruction of our democracy. Think about it. As a people and as a nation we have spent literally centuries fighting against oppressive governing regimes that suppress the fundamental rights and freedoms of their citizens. Many of these started their rule of terror with simple restrictions to “better” the community. The Elizabethan Monarchy passed sumptuary laws of dress code in order to protect the moral decline of the people and ensure distinctions between class levels. The Taliban’s rule of terror started with the idea of enforcing laws “for good the country”. These laws started as simple as fines against men whose beards were not long enough. And now we are saying our pants are not high enough. Granted, these examples are extreme, but the foundations and ideas are very much the same. We simply cannot claim to be a nation that fights for freedom while trying to suppress our own freedoms.
I believe all Americans should have the fundamental right to express themselves freely, even if it is with their underpants. Besides, I may not always enjoy seeing everyone’s woolies, but it comforting to know that at least they are wearing them.
Moni Wood is a continuing education student in English. She can be reached for comment at [email protected].
