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Commentary: 5th round of ‘Jersey Shore’ leaves reality show in dire situation

Courtesy of MTV

As if mainstream reality TV wasn’t already polluted by excessive inebriation and pointless drama, MTV welcomed back “Jersey Shore” to the airwaves Thursday.

After spending last season in Italy, the crew returned to U.S. soil, helping to further tarnish the East Coast’s image. The lone bright spot? Viewership was down by 14 percent from last season’s debut.

Beginning of the end? I don’t think we’re that lucky.

Kicking off the fifth season, the first episode lived up to expectations by mixing copious amounts of alcohol with suspicions of affair — the basic premise for every episode. Leading the pack and causing more harm than good were Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino and his best friend, Jonathan “The Unit” Manfre. Beefed-up with egos bigger than their biceps, they might as well just be called the “pompous pair.” But hey, who am I to judge?

Here’s another shocker: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has continued relationship problems and can’t understand the fact that a successful relationship requires one to be faithful. Usually it’s the Tiger Woods and the Kobe Bryants of the world that are caught in affairs, but when a woman has relations with half the people in Seaside Heights, N.J., it’s bound to get around, no pun intended.

As for the rest of the crew, they seem to be up to their usual antics and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before the house is turned entirely upside down. Don’t get me wrong, I actually like a couple of the cast members, people such as Vinny Guadagnino, who actually seem to have some self-respect and decency.

But as far as the rest of the crew goes, I finished middle school nine years ago and moved on, and apparently they still haven’t done the same. If it were up to me, I would avoid the grimy, orange-tinted hands of “Jersey Shore” at all costs, but the reality is that I have a girlfriend, and like many guys I know, I get stuck watching shows like “16 and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom.” If I find myself sitting through reruns of “Jersey Shore,” then I must remain optimistic and focus on the silver lining. Maybe now I don’t have to watch “The Notebook” for the 20th time.

I myself can’t even pinpoint the stem of my dislike. Maybe I’m just intimidated by The Situation’s seemingly effortless charm, or maybe I’m jealous of Paul “Pauly D” Delvecchio’s hair. Whatever it is, I don’t think I’ll be tuning in next week. I’ve got more important things to do, like watching paint dry.

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