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Review: ‘Snooki & JWoww’ far from a ‘Shore’ thing

Courtesy of MTV

Nothing seems to paint a more accurate picture of the American pop cultural zeitgeist than “Jersey Shore.” In its six seasons on the air, it captured the imaginations of millions of viewers who thought, “well, I should watch this again next week because I can’t possibly imagine what dumb thing these people will do next that’s dumber than the last dumb thing they did.”

So, the only logical thing was to go forth with the spin-off nobody wanted, featuring Snooki (Nicole Polizzi) and JWoww (Jennifer Farley), who are besties or something, titled – wait for it – “Snooki & JWoww.”

The series premiere aired Thursday on MTV, and, despite a couple of absolutely horrific moments that compelled me to rinse my eyes out with bleach, I managed to endure its 19-minutes of idiocy and disgusting girl things.

Before I go on, however, I must preface my review of the show by saying I, too, was once enamored by “Jersey Shore.” As far as I can tell, there are two trains of thought on the show: It’s OK to watch because watching idiots do idiotic things makes you feel better about your existence, or it’s total brainless trash and you refuse to watch it because cable isn’t available that high up on your horse.

For a while, I was in the former camp but I got bored with it. But I digress. Here’s what went down.

  • The episode opens with Snooki and JWoww searching for an apartment in Jersey City, N.J. Snooki still lives with her parents because, well, I don’t know why. She has an epiphany, though: She does not want to be 40 and still living in her mom’s house, because she’s 24 now and 40 is just way too close. JWoww, on the other hand, wants to get an apartment with Snooki basically because of “YOLO.”
  • JWoww is engaged to some guy who obviously has never watched “Jersey Shore” before. After she tells him she wants to get an apartment with Snooki, which he takes issue with for obvious reasons, she threatens to hang his genitals above the fireplace of his house if he cheats on her.
  • Snooki’s dad tells Snooki she has to be responsible now and that is apparently a lot for her to handle. When he tells her she has to be responsible for things such as the electric bill, she says they should just use candlelight instead because the Amish did it and there are rich Amish people who own companies. Infallible logic.
  • Snooki drives an obnoxious matte black Cadillac Escalade with pink trim because she’s Snooki.
  • JWoww arrives early to one of the several apartments they’ve scheduled to peruse. That’s OK until she has to pee, except she doesn’t have to pee. She has to do something way worse. She has to change her tampon. Snooki recommends she does it in the front yard because she is a horrible person and wants us all to suffer as much as possible while watching this show.
  • Snooki and JWoww browse the apartment and decided they don’t like it. Rather, rinse, repeat like five times. When JWoww goes to use the restroom in the first apartment, she realizes there’s no toilet paper, so she comes up with the genius idea to use the napkin that came with her bagel. Snooki and JWoww discuss some mind-blowing hypotheticals, like, “What if the toilet didn’t work?” to which JWoww responds, “My tampon string would be hanging out right now.” Kill me now.
  • Somehow, the realtors – it’s plural now because a girl realtor showed up, which prompted JWoww to ask them if they were fornicating, except she used a different f-word – decided to keep putting up with their crap and showed them around to other places. They end up at a former firehouse which is far too nice for them, before Snooki drops a bomb.
  • Remember that whole thing about Snooki being pregnant? Well, she hadn’t told JWoww at this point. So, before they decide to sign the lease, Snooki comes through with the big reveal: she’s with child and engaged. Then, the episode closes with perhaps the best possible kicker …
  • “Instead of life throwing me a curveball, it threw me a spermball. Obviously.” Powerful words from Snooki. I’m not sure anyone has ever captured the beauty of the concept of child birth as poignantly as that.

I can’t really say anything else after that, so if this sounds like your thing, “Snooki & JWoww” might be for you, but God help you if it is. 

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