After almost four full weeks of not signing into Carmen, Park-Stradley resident Jack Tanner is still wondering just exactly how he is failing three-fourths of his classes already.
“I just don’t get it. I mean I’ve attended some of my classes once. I don’t know how I’m doing so bad,” said Tanner, a first-year in biomedical engineering, who went on to add that although he purchased his books, he has never actually opened any of them.
“Nah man, I’m trying to sell those back at the end of the semester. Can’t be scuffing them up by reading them and whatnot,” he said.
Bryan Septo, a third-year teaching assistant for Biology 1101, said he hasn’t seen Tanner since the first day of class.
“Who? … Oh, that kid came in 30 minutes late and left 45 minutes early. Hasn’t been here since. I thought he dropped out, honestly,” Septo said.
When asked about his lack of attendance, Tanner responded, “What, you have to actually go to lab? I thought that’s just what the nerds did in their free time. I’m pretty sure those labs are extra credit.
“I mean, it’s not like I’m not trying. Just every time I go to sign into Carmen, I remember I have a Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, Xanga and Tumblr that I haven’t checked lately,” continued Tanner, half paying attention as he scrolled seamlessly through a stream of Instagram selfies.
Tanner’s mother, Nancy Tanner, had a different opinion about her son’s absenteeism.
“I just can’t believe him,” his mother said. “You can tell him he needs to call home soon or he’s grounded, mister! No Gameboy for a week.”
Jack Tanner’s roommate Nick Bartin, a first-year in anthropology, claims he didn’t even know he had a roommate.
“I never met the kid. Sounds like an idiot though,” Bartin said. “Don’t tell my resident adviser he’s not living here, either. I’m not trying to have some weirdo move in and screw things up for me. I’ve been making progress on a few hunnies on my floor.”
Jack Tanner claims that although he is skipping a majority of his classes and has never even met his Spanish professor, he’s not failing every class.
“I’m sitting pretty good in my stats class. Got a C on the midterm,” he said.
Jack Tanner has since been dropped from Elementary Statistics as he was never actually enrolled, but No. 17 on the waitlist.
By the time this is published, it is expected for Jack Tanner to be a full-fledged college dropout, most likely pursing a disc-jockey career, playing a gigs in hole-in-the-wall bars, either under the moniker “Jacking-Da-Beats” or “DJ Tanner.”
This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.