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Satire: Perfectly healthy student emails prof claiming to have ‘strep throat’

Satire

Johnny Durkle, pathetically acting sick while his temperature reads a perfectly normal 98.6 degrees.
Credit: Cory Frame / Lantern reporter

Declaring he “hasn’t felt this terrible in years,” a perfectly healthy pre-medical student emailed one of his professors this morning letting him know he has most likely come down with strep throat this week.

Johnny Durkle, a third-year in biology, told reporters he forgot he had a “big midterm” in organic chemistry this week, so instead of failing, he decided to just outright lie to his professor.

“Yeah, I just sent him a quick email from my phone letting him know I must’ve contracted a serious bacterial infection in my throat or something,” said Durkle, who continued to say that although it’s the time of the year to easily fall ill, he’s never felt better.

“This winter I really focused on eating healthy, sleeping regularly and getting all my shots so I don’t come down with anything. It actually works really well to be proactive during flu season. Who knew?” said the man who one day plans to be a doctor.

Durkle, who sent the email just 17 minutes before his midterm began, said it was also his 21st birthday today, so of course he had to go out and celebrate the night before at midnight.

“Man, I haven’t been that drunk in my life. I guess I’m a little hungover, but my prof doesn’t need to know that,” said the complete liar. “Other than that, I feel like a million bucks.”

Bob Zellzer, organic chemistry professor and recipient of Durkle’s email, told The Dim Bulb he’s no idiot.

“Of course I knew Johnny was lying to me. One of my TAs was also out last night celebrating her admittance into med school. One thing which I assure you Johnny will never celebrate,” said Zellzer of his truant student. “She saw him at the bar and said he was puking all over himself by 10 p.m.

“What a chump. Skips tests, lies about it and can’t even hold his liquor?” continued Zellzer, as he was entering Durkle’s failing grade into Carmen.

Despite unknowingly being caught by his professor, Durkle said this isn’t the first time he’s lied in order to take a test last.

“Last St. Patty’s Day, I had a huge lab report over trying to find an unknown compound using spectroscopy, but instead I just told my teacher my grandma died,” Durkle shamelessly admitted. “They said I needed proof, so I just cut out some random old lady’s obituary.”

At press time, Durkle was making plans with his friends to do “round two” again tonight when his birthday was ruined by a response email from Zellzer.

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.

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