Home » A+E » Satire: Record-breaking 18 people vote in this year’s USG election

Satire: Record-breaking 18 people vote in this year’s USG election

Shattering previous school records, the Undergraduate School Government has announced this year’s election vote count has reached an all-time high.

The election, held Spring Semester in order to see who will contribute as much as the average student — just with an official title — reportedly nearly tripled last year’s vote count with 18 submitted votes online.

With such an unexpectedly high rate with which the votes were submitted, the official USG website nearly crashed last night because of high traffic.

Current USG President Tyler Stompp sat down with The Dim Bulb to share his thoughts on the spike in voter turnouts and why having a malfunctioning website is “a good problem to have.”

“This means we are finally starting to make changes and increase awareness … of the student body … showing signs of growth … hope for the future … I’m not ready to graduate … Buckeyes,” said Stompp about something (we don’t know, we zoned out the interview because we were wondering if Aaron Craft still does Taco Tuesday).

One quote we did manage to catch was that Stompp said within the next few years, he envisions the total count to rise to somewhere around 50 to 75 votes per election season.

While most of the current USG officials seem excited about this year’s improvement, others still seem skeptical.

“I don’t think that number appropriately represents our student body,” said Melinda Wi-Hu, a third-year in mathematics, who said she did not vote this year.

“18 votes? Hah! That’s terrible. I could get more people to vote for which floor has the hottest RA,” said Dallas Davies, first-year studying exploration and cool kid from Park-Stradley penthouse.

“What in God’s name is USG? Please don’t waste my time,” said future university president, rapper Drake.

Voting ended at 11:59 p.m. Wednesday, but it doesn’t matter. It could be open forever and still nobody else would vote.

At press time, it was reported that although USG received the most votes in school’s history, the new president and vice president could not be determined because of a 6-way tie. Apparently each slate voted for itself 3 times each.

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.

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