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Satire: While under fire, students required to finish exam or fail

The Dim Bulb is a weekly satire column contributed by members of the Sundial.

After the 57th pumpkin spice latte was made in a row, the espresso machine at the McPherson Starbucks burst into flames, forcing the building to be evacuated. The notable exception was the group of Chem 1210 students who were taking an exam in McPherson 1000 at the time. Due to an archaic rule in the Chemistry department’s handbook, exams can not be ended early, no matter the circumstances. It is perfectly acceptable, however, to start an exam late and award no extra time.

It is reported that as smoke began to fill the auditorium, students were horrified to discover that a formula sheet did not come with the exam. A TA’s booming voice was quoted as saying, “Do not look up from your exams. Do not make eye contact with the fire or we will assume you are cheating and you will be asked to leave.”

With the smoke and the red-orange light cast from the fire, the auditorium must have seemed like the students had transported from metaphorical to literal Hell.

First-year chemistry student Alex Montgomery was the first to hand in his test and escape the blaze. When asked why he chose to stay he responded, “Are you kidding me? For the first time in history, the Chem department allowed for extra credit points to be awarded. One quarter of a point for whoever could determine the change in enthalpy of the fire!”

Firefighters arrived on the scene and attempted to rescue the remaining students, but were accused of cheating and asked to leave.

Sara Isaac is a writer for The Sundial Humor Magazine.

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