It’s no secret that OSU is on the hunt for a good university president. So being the school-spirited, buckeye-loving student that I am, I felt it was my duty to offer the Powers-That-Be some help in finding the perfect prez. After many days of research, my crack team of experts and I have come up with a short list of people who, we feel, have the best chance of filling Gee’s shoes and offering the university a little special touch of personality. 1. Dr. Dre. (the rapper) You don’t have to be a fan of rap to agree that the man is one bad “brotha.” Forget the Ohio State – Michigan rivalry. With Dr. Dre as president, we’d find ourselves dead (literally) in the middle of the highly publicized East Coast – West Coast rapper rivalry. What better exposure for the school? Forget wimpy blood drive competitions. The new competitions would be talking smack and spilling blood. How many students at other universities would be able to chill out at the president’s crib, and drink 40s with Dr. Dre, Snoop, and Warren G.? Just think of the mad house parties. If Dr. Dre. is too frightening and threatening to uptight white people, we can always get M.C. (can ya spare some change) Hammer. What he lacks in talent and coolness, he makes up for with his white-friendly personality.2. If you’ve walked around High Street enough (campus area and downtown) there’s a good chance you’ve seen my second choice. For lack of knowing a name, I offer a description – he’s the dwarf (pc – little person) bum with dirty clothes and an even dirtier beard, who walks around and swears at people. Frankly, the man scares the crap out of me, but I’d donate a kidney to see this guy walk the hallowed halls of Ohio State, swearing and mumbling at everybody that crosses his path. Forget Gee’s bow tie, the dwarf bum’s beard has more personality (not to mention old food) than any article of clothing. 3. Any supermodel. Forget the overly-hyped and covered trend of binge drinking. With a wafer-thin, herion-using supermodel chick as president the new trend on campus would be binge and purge. What better way to get money out of the fat cats in the state government then to have Cindy Crawford or Kate Moss sit on their lap. Wearing the presidential teddy or g-string, they’d tell the politicians “just how grateful she’d be if a big strong, influential politician like him would give little ole her some money for her school.” 4. Randy Ayers. Sure we kicked him to the curb like a five-dollar hooker, but I think he’d make a great university president. Besides, it’s fashionable to forgive and forget, and give a person another chance. He’d be an easy favorite with students who are tired of being scolded by Gee every time somebody riots or binge drinks. With Ayers as president, we could probably pillage, loot and burn down the campus without so much as a slap on the wrist. It’s very unlikely that the Powers-That-Be will even consider my list. They’ll more than likely pick an uncool, old white guy. But I ask that when they pick this uncool, old white guy, they pick an uncool, old white guy that understands that education is the most important thing at Ohio State.A growing number of people agree that not enough attention is being giving to the quality of education. When the quality of education at a university begins to decline, the university becomes crap. And contrary to what they believe, crap will always smell like crap, no matter how many pretty buildings you build around it.
Anthony Castillo is also open to serving as OSU president himself, but only at night and on weekends.
