Halloween used to be a special time for Harmon K. and Big Al. They loved the costumes, the candy and the touch of ghostly fingers on their backs. Ten years ago, the Brothers Vred were innocent, scampering through the neighborhood in Upper Arlington, greedily collecting all the saturated fat and polysaccharides they could. Any holiday which teaches children the value of greed, ambition and extortion is OK in our book!Momma Vred, reliving her parental glory-days, likes to tell the story about how one year – way back in 1983 – Harmon K. dressed as a pirate and was so anxious to get to the next house he tripped and fell on his ass into a pile of leaves. While most people find the idea of Harmon K. falling on his ass funny, the tragedy of this story lies in the fact that all his hard-earned candy was spilt and lost in the leaves. And there’s nothing funny about losing candy. A stoic philosopher from ancient Greece might have remarked about the foolishness of striving after material riches, but Harmon K. doesn’t believe in stoic mumbo jumbo. He believes in getting his while the getting is good. The only lesson learned that night was to replace the damn orange plastic pumpkin basket with a pillowcase. Things don’t spill as easy from pillowcases.Oh! The excitement of those long-ago evenings, before worries about facial complexion destroyed the joy in gooey-gooey chocolate! Oh! The innocence of childhood in America! But alas! For the Brothers Vred, that joy is gone and that innocence is shattered. Halloween will never be the same.Why this drastic change of heart? Why is this happy time transformed into a season of anguish? Not because the Brothers Vred’s 1986 Lincoln Town Car is haunted. (It is.) Not because of the 3rd degree burns suffered in an Athens, Ohio riot. And not because of the grabbing Harmon K. endured when he went as a “Britney Spears” catholic-school girl to a campus costume party. No – it’s because we didn’t listen to what Momma Vred told us years ago.Listen: Have you ever heard the urban legends about the kids kidnapped at Halloween? Have you ever been told by NBC public service announcements not to wear dark clothes on Halloween? About the razor blade in the candy?When Poppa Vred was growin’ up in Hamilton, Ontario in the ’60s, he heard a rumor that somebody knew somebody who knew a kid that ate a razor blade in his Halloween candy. The incident was never documented, but the “myth” persisted. “Check your children’s candy,” they said. Big Al and Harmon K. believed it was just a myth, too – until this year. Here is a story that will chill your soul:So the Brothers Vred were out on Beggars’ Night, strolling door-to-door in the campus area lookin’ for candy, Labatt or fortified Burgundy. Here’s where things get creepy. Lots of these undergraduates live in real-live haunted houses! The floor creak, strange groaning noises are heard in the middle of the night, and – sometimes, when the moon is full – cursed spirits band together on Friday and Saturday nights and roam the streets!Not to mention all those female demons trying to seduce you – reminiscent of the scene in Bram Stoker’s “Dracula.” Oh horrible, most horrible! But Halloween is ruined for Harmon K. ’cause he didn’t listen to Momma Vred all those years ago: he finally found the candy with the razor blade in it! Ouch! It really hurt when he ate it, although his doctors told him that the blood he also ate was, like Cheerios, high in 11 essential vitamins and minerals.The story of the razor blade in the Halloween candy had been dying out over the past few years – parents who had never known someone who had heard of someone eating a razor blade had stopped telling their children. But Harmon K. will now dedicate his life to perpetuating this urban legend to another generation. And now you, loyal Lantern readers, also know of someone who has heard of someone eating a razor blade. Now you too can perpetuate a valuable piece of cultural lore to your children and grandchildren.Big Al, though, is still wondering how to get a 1-inch razor blade into a 1/2-inch candy bar.
The Brothers Vred are from Upper Arlington, where the rich people on Tremont Road give out good candy. Not that nasty black and orange-wrapped taffy. Harmon K. is a senior zoology/history major. Big Al is a sophomore fine arts major.