Should someone suggest BD’s Mongolian Grill, located at 6242 Sawmill Road just south of I-270, take my advice. Punch them in the teeth. The gimmicks are lame, the food is average, the prices are outrageous and the setup is confusing at best. I’m not an extremely religious man, but Lord, please hear my prayer. Strike down this foul abomination of chain restaurants with your holy fire. Strike down Savage Garden too if you’re not busy.
A trip down BD’s dinner buffet is a lot like a trip to the grocery store. You think of a recipe, picking out ingredients like meat, veggies, seasonings, etc. etc. You cram everything into a bowl, douse it with any number of dressings such as “mojo sauce” or “BD’s Bottom Tickler.” Now comes the “fun” part. You hand your bowl to a cook who throws your conglomeration on a grill and proceeds to beat the pile with long Mongolian “cookin’-sticks.” While waiting, you presumably ogle the amazing food-heating process and chat with your dining companions. Then they toss your food into a clean bowl and hand it back to you. Sounds great huh?
It’s a pile of steaming monkey-dung. Dear reader, I can pick you up in my car, drive you to Kroger, we can pick out some food together, fry it ourselves, for twice the bonding at a fraction of the cost. Hell, isn’t that the point of buying groceries in the first place? Doesn’t it follow that the point of going out to eat is to pay someone else to do this crap for you? I’m a food critic, not a chef for God’s sake. I’ve got a vague idea of what a good dish would look like, but I certainly am not well-versed enough in the art of cooking to know exactly what spices to use. Make a wrong move and you’ve wasted 20 minutes. It gets worse; after this confusing song and dance they charge you $12.99 to cook the meal you prepared and have the audacity to set out tip jars at the grill.
On this point Co-Masticator Brian comments, “I can’t believe the cooking station has tip jars! I already did half the cook’s job for him!”
Keep in mind, these are only average dishes we’re talking about. What do you expect when you ask a business major, whose mother balances his checkbook, to assemble a complex Asian entrée.
Mike agrees stating, “I think I could have the same quality meal if I cooked up some of my Minute Rice and frozen vegetables. At least then I’d have the satisfaction of knowing I made it myself.”
Vegetarians and those with heathen diet-restrictions beware. Unless you specifically tell them not to, BD’s will paddle your kosher food pile with the same cookin’-sticks they used to beat my pork-extravaganza.
Josh gives his two cents as well. “Make sure you know what the hell you’re doing. I made a mistake and put an extra ladle of oil on my barbecue and was greeted by the sergeant of the grill with all the warmth and compassion of Paris Island. Honestly, she made me want to dive into the flames just to escape the abuse.” I’ll vouch for this statement. The woman running the show at the grill read him the Riot Act as if Josh knew that an extra ladle of oil would set the grill on fire.
Hey, maybe that’s why you shouldn’t have accident-prone college students designing meals.
Leigh Ann argues that BD’s setup promotes conversation and experimentation making for a fun-filled interactive dining experience. I say I can screw up food for a lot less than $12.99 and have more fun doing it. Granted, if you blow it you can go back for a free refill of something different. However, this takes a lot more time and effort than simply sending back a soggy salad or burnt steak. I might add that All-You-Can-Eat for $12.99 is no deal. With just one round, most restaurants will feed you but good for that kinda flow.
Everything else about the place is quite good. It’s clearly a corporate atmosphere, thus, while sterile and boring, you can at least count on non-smoking, ample seating, kickin’ tunes courtesy of Muzak and general cleanliness. On the down side, nothing struck me as authentic about BD’s, leaving those desiring to experience something genuinely Mongolian disappointed. Perhaps if the cooks rode out on horseback, burnt my village to the ground, raped my pets and made me their slave, it would be more authentic. Maybe that option’s on the kid’s menu. I didn’t check.
Hank Mylander is a junior from Westerville majoring in information systems. He’s looking forward to spending his Spring Break on the sunny beaches of the Olentangy interrupted only by the gentle lapping of the waves and the occasional floating debris. The Masticator can be reached at [email protected].
