Ladies and gentlemen, in the red corner, weighing in at a stunning 132 lbs: Todd “The Beefcake” Burns! In the blue corner, weighing in at 5.3 lbs: “The Hoggy’s Challenge!” Two warriors locked together in the deadly dance of man vs meat.
Two will enter. One will leave, possibly with a T-shirt.
The “Eat-Until-Your-Stomach-Hemorrhages Special” is as close to the glory of battle as most men care to get. Like war, it has the ability to bring out the best and worst in us, honor the brave and curse the coward. Look on, dear reader, as I attempt to reveal the awe and majesty that I, your humble Masticator, was privileged to observe.
The restaurant of the week is Hoggy’s, 1416 W. 5th Ave., home to delicious barbecue and our deadly contest.
Todd’s opponent was a combination platter containing a half rack of pork ribs, half of a barbecue chicken, a pulled-pork sandwich, sides of macaroni and cheese and baked beans and a piece of corn bread.
Starting strong, our hero obliterated the sandwich in mere moments. Todd comments, “I save the best for last, giving me a reason to keep going when the going gets tough. The sandwich was tender and light on sauce, which helps bring out the natural pork flavor.”
Following his strategy, the fighter moved on to the massive side of chicken. Todd now faced a new problem: The chicken was too big and unwieldy to pick up, yet he’d lose precious time if he opted for utensils. Ever resourceful, he used the unorthodox tactic of bringing his mouth to the meat.
Resembling a hyena feasting under the Serengeti sun, Todd’s bent frame managed to cram bite after bite of juicy chicken into his gaping maw. After taking a brief moment to catch his breath, Todd explains, “It (the chicken) is very tender, practically falling off the bone. This sauce isn’t especially good. It’s actually sort of bland.”
Minutes ticked by as the man and the chicken attempted to best the other. To my horror, I heard the unmistakable heave of breath which historically signals the beginning of the end for contenders like Todd.
“Damn chicken” was our stoic champion’s only reply.
Giving up on the poultry, Todd turned his attention to his ribs, a more inspiring target. He tasted them, writing, “This is a welcome relief from the chicken, though there doesn’t appear to be much meat on these bones. Overall these ribs are pretty good.”
After a grueling 15 minutes with the ribs, Todd uttered the words that really exemplified how serious this battle had become, “Dudes, I gotta dump.” Any meal that sends a man to the toilet mid-meal is nothing to trifle with. A wise-old hillbilly once told me, “You might be done with the chicken, but that don’t mean the chicken’s done with you.”
At this point, reader, we’ll take a look at some of the other entrée’s sampled this evening.
Brian ordered the pulled-pork dinner consisting of a pile of tender BBQ pork and two sides; Brian chose french fries and the “PJ’s Chili-Mac.”
He comments, “The pork is steamed and incredibly tender. If you’re looking for Midwestern-style pork this is for you.” Be warned, the meal does not come with a bun, so masticators looking for a sandwich should inform their waitress. About his sides, Brian writes, “The fries were homemade and greasy; they go great with the BBQ sauce.” Out loud, I heard him decree, “Macaroni, Cheese and Chili should always go together. For now and forever. This is delicious.”
Co-Masticator Gavin replied, “But what if you’re vegetarian?”
“You should go to hell,” was Brian’s gallant reply.
Gavin himself ordered the “Pig Pen” Pie, which is a pot-pie containing smoked pork and other goodies in a baked crust.
“It’s a good choice for those of us who like to mush all our food together and eat it. You’ve got mashed potatoes, pork, green beans and corn. It could use a bit more mashed potato and a little less corn if you ask me,” writes the satiated Gavin.
My spicy catfish was superb. It was spicy enough to keep me interested and more tender than any fish I’d eaten before. I ordered mine with the fantastic sautéed green beans.
Upon returning, it took the cheers, and jeers, of my fellow Co-Masticators and I just to get Todd to cram down the rest of his ribs.
“We’ll take you out in a casket if we have to! At least you’ll have a T-shirt to wear to the funeral!” Brian shouted as Todd began to register defeat.
It was probably at this point the manager walked over to break up the fight.
Any real man would’ve finished the last bit of chicken, shoveled the side-dishes into his mouth with his bare hands, then stood up, passionately kiss the waitress and holler, “Bring me my T-shirt, wench!” Instead, Todd put his food into their Styrofoam to-go containers and sulked back to the car, shirtless and beaten.
“No tip,” was his last pained utterance.
Hank Mylander is a junior from Westerville double majoring in Management Information Systems and Rioting. Until his brief exchange with Columbus’s Finest last weekend, the Masticator never knew where the bottom ten-percent of his high school’s graduating class ended up working. He can be reached at [email protected]. Taunts and sympathy alike may be sent to our tragic hero, Todd Burns, at [email protected].
