“Watching Hank eat the Thurman Burger was like watching birth in reverse – and almost as appetizing.”
Truly, while the grotesque spectacle of me man-handling the uber-burger might have looked awful to Quinn, the taste was absolutely incredible.
For those who aren’t already regulars, this week’s review is on the Thurman Café, located on 183 Thurman Ave. in German Village.
The Thurman Burger represents the flagship of this family owned bar, served “overloaded with ham, mozzarella and American cheese, lettuce, tomato, mushrooms, sautéed onions, pickle, peppers and mayo.”
Towering at over six-inches tall, it’s easily twice the size of the Wendy’s triple and enough to cut three years off your life. Three years you’d probably spend in a nursing home anyway; the Thurman Burger is worth it!
While the flavoring of the meats, cheeses, onions and mushrooms blended perfectly together with the regular ingredients, the ‘shroom-juice and grease meant the bun was strictly for decoration only.
Between you and me, let’s just say there was a T-shirt in desperate need of washing after the whole affair. In my defense, I was the only member of our Masticating Team to eat my burger with my bare hands. The rest of these man-children used forks and knives, eating theirs open-faced. What ninnies.
Quinn ordered the Jaeger Burger and was similarly ecstatic, writing, “The Jaeger Burger is brilliant. French Onion Dip on an open-faced burger with mushrooms and onions, the combination is spectacular.” Come to think of it, there aren’t many ordinary dishes that couldn’t be improved by adding a massive hunk of burger on it. Salads, rice cakes and bean curd are prime candidates.
The Macedonian Burger was yet another innovative beef product sampled that evening. This huge burger comes served on Texas toast with sweet red peppers, lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo and fries. Nishanta devoured it, writing, “This burger had a great new texture and the sweet peppers add a lot! While it made for an interesting taste, I wouldn’t suggest it to people who take their burgers straight. The sweetness was just too different.”
Jarrod ordered the Thurmandelphia Steak Sub and, like Clarence Carter before him, was completely “sassified.”
The menu lists it as “our special beef and lamb blend grilled with mushrooms, American and mozzarella cheese, lettuce, tomato, sautéed onions, peppers, mayo and Italian dressing.”
Jarrod remarked, “This burger was very tasty, but like all their sandwiches, too big to eat cleanly. It’s a good thing I’ve honed my eating skills on the La Bamba Super Burrito, or I wouldn’t have stood a chance. Overall, it was a great cheese steak taken on a massive scale.”
Jarrod was being modest. He deep-throated that big ol’ thang quicker than a hoochie bar girl with half the mess and nary a gag.
The Thurman Café also offers a wide menu of appetizers.
You want buffalo wings? They have an order of 12 whole wings for six bucks that knocks BW3s on its butt. Since Thurman’s wings are twice the size of industry standard wings, you in effect get 25-cent wings any day of the week. Quinn writes, “The hot sauce has a good kick but remains flavorful enough to enjoy.” They’re simply big, juicy, liberally-sauced pieces of buffalo joy.
Jarrod ordered a combo basket of Thurman steak fries and onion rings and commented, “The fries were wonderful and not too greasy. The onion rings were a tad too greasy, but the onions were so tender I’ll let it slide. It was great. I could dine without the fear of prematurely pulling the onion from the breading.” Surely a huge weight off the poor man’s shoulders.
Nishanta got an order of jalapeño poppers and wrote, “These are sublimely delicious. The texture was perfect – crunchy breading on the outside and very smooth creamy filling on the inside. While they were salty, they didn’t dry me out. The peppers themselves were cooked perfectly, adding texture and taste, but weren’t spicy – not even for white folks.”
While the prospect of a 40-minute wait to sit in a crowded bar might not sound appealing at first, trust me, it’s well worth it. The authentic atmosphere and breathtaking menu are clearly in a league of their own. Masticators might be interested to know that the Thurman Café is both all-smoking and handicap-accessible.
In closing, if you want to discover German Village’s best-kept secret since its sexual preference, get down to The Thurman Café. You’ll be glad you did.
Hank Mylander is a junior from Westerville double majoring in Management Information Systems and Debauchery. Please send your ideas for restaurant reviews, as well as any thoughts or comments to [email protected]. Eating out?
